Who He Is

eighteen

Jessa

I think J expected me to be afraid of him after telling me the story of the girl he once knew. I felt like I should have been, but the only thing I could feel was sorrow for the broken boy that was crying in my arms. He needed to tell that story, he needed to let go of the guilt that he had held onto for so long. What he did was wrong, very wrong, but I had to be there for him like he had been there for me each time I had a breakdown.

I don't think J realized that he was actually in love with Amie until he retold the entire story in front of me. I knew it from the moment I felt his hands tremble and his eyes water as he talked about the little details about how she looked and what they talked about. I felt a twinge of jealousy for a moment as I came to realize that I was not J's first love, but that was selfish. What happened to her really broke him, and It still haunted him to this day. I wished I could take his pain and somehow give it to myself to free him of that burden, but I couldn't, and he had to live with what he's done like I'll have to live with what I've done.

After we both spent the morning in each others arms, J and I talked about our childhoods and some of our favorite things to lighten the tension in the room. He told me about his life in the orphanage before he ran away and some friends that he made there. He said that he hoped they were doing well and better than he was. He spoke with a smile at the few happy memories he had made with the children there, but it saddened me at just how few good memories he had.

He didn't deserve all of the bullshit he's been through, and I hoped that somehow I could make it better. I wanted to ask about his parents, but figured that he probably hasn't brought them up into the conversation for a reason...another time.

After that, J silently packed up everything and we loaded up the car to leave and start the journey somewhere far away from what I have done. I wanted to cry for my mother and for my friends and the life I was leaving behind, I just couldn't stay in that house ever again. I wouldn't graduate, but I planned to get my GED later on after all this shit hopefully blows over.

I gripped the steering wheel as I tried to put the vision of him strangling another girl to the very back of my brain, but it kept wanting to fight its way to the front to gain my full attention.
I saw him turn to look at me in my peripheral, but I ignored him.

He would never do that to me.

"Do you regret asking me about her?" J asked, shaking me out of my trance.

"No." I replied honestly before turning my head to see him picking at his cuticles and staring into his lap. "I only regret making you reopen those old wounds. I hate to see you hurting."

I reached my hand over to grasp his hand and gently squeezed his bruised fingers. He was still in pain, physically as well as emotionally from my father beating him senseless. His face was very bruised and his nose looked displaced; there was still dried blood in the inner parts of his nostrils and I could tell by the way he winced when he talked and kissed that he was hurting horribly. He hid it well, too well.

"You know I love you more, right?" He asked while rubbing my fingers with his thumb, referencing Amie.

It's was no competition, she is dead for gods sake and this was way before I've met him, but still I was amazed at the way he talked about her and described her. It was as if he were describing an angel, an angel with freckles all over that he probably liked to kiss and sunset colored hair that I'm sure he liked to rake his slender fingers through-

"Jessa?" J asked, once again shambling me from my toxic thoughts. I simply nodded in reply.

He sighed, but thankfully didn't say anything more about the situation.

The sky today was bright and the world seemed full of possibilities. We were stuck, stuck in our consequences that were bound to catch up with us. However I haven't ever felt more alive, more real, than I did when I was with J.

I used to have everything all figured out. I'd go to College, get my dream career and find a man that I'd eventually live in the suburbs with while at the same time raising a beautiful family I'd call my own. It would be perfect.. right? Perfect, like my mother called it so many times whilst describing my future for me.

I should have known back then that the future she made up for me was so far from realistic. I cant believe I thought that she was right all of this time- I can't believe I thought that a life full of perfection would truly make me happy.

I turned my head slightly to look at the man beside me, so slight that hopefully he wouldn't notice my gawking.

He was pained, for sure, and rightfully so. But little did he know how much he was loved, how much he was adored.

After all, that's just who he was.

J instantly looked back toward my sneaky eyes, surprising me. I guess I wasn't being as slick as I tried to be.

He laughed at me and squeezed my hand, and I did the same as warmth filled my cheeks. I was so in love with Jaxson, J, whatever. It didn't matter, he was more than just his name and his dreadful history. He was a man with feelings, and a heart that pumped just like yours and mine.

Don't get me wrong, he had problems that I couldn't begin to understand. He lived a life full of so much hurt, pain and tears that it made my stomach ache just to think about. But as we drove farther down the long road stretch that touched the sun, I knew, or more realistically hoped, that better was to come.

___

The End

Epilogue coming soon.