Who He Is

eleven

J

I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours.

Jessa fell asleep fast, way too fucking fast. I wanted time to talk to her and be with her before I left, but I couldn't considering she was upset with me the entire night. I think it was because I backed off when she wanted to kiss me earlier, and hell, I was a little upset at myself too. But I knew that if I let that kiss happen, I'd never be able to leave.

She was stressed as hell, so much so that her eyebrows were furrowed even in her sleep. I found myself wanting to reach out and touch her face or her hands to somehow soothe her, but I'm sure it would only have the opposite effect.

I watched the ceiling fan turn for hours as I listened to her light snores. The sound was calming, gentle. It made me want to stay there beside her forever just to make sure she was safe at all times. However, I knew she didn't need me for that. From meeting her until now I could tell that she was tough, strong. Strong enough to get through my leaving. Hell, she might even be relieved at the fact that she wouldn't need to hide me from her parents any longer.

I planned to get up and leave as soon as she fell asleep, but my body felt as if it were glued to the ground, unable to move.

I had to look away from her if I was going to do this.. it would be the only way I'd be able to. So, as hard as it was, I did just that and slowly but surely took the covers off of my body and stood to my feet. I then slid my old, worn sneakers on as quietly as I could and made my way to her bedroom door.

I noticed that my hands were shaking as I placed it around the doorknob, probably because I was absolutely dreading going back to the streets. I knew deep down that Cris's group was probably out sniffing like dogs to find whoever killed their leader, and judging by where the murder happened, I knew they had to be looking for me.

I swallowed hard, for I knew now it was best for me to leave. I couldn't risk her life, hell no.

Finally, I turned the knob slowly and opened the door light enough so it wouldn't creak before stepping out.

Don't look back at her, don't look back at her, my conscience screamed at me from inside my head. And I tried not to, I really did, but I've never been too good at listening to my conscience.

I turned my head to see her still fast asleep with her lips parted and covers all the way up to her neck. I smiled at the sight and tried my hardest to ignore the ache in my chest that got a pound heavier each time I inched away from her. It was crazy how I felt this strongly about a girl that I at first, despised so much. I hated the way she pitied me when she first saw me under that bridge. I hated the way she looked at me with sad eyes and thought of me as another person to help.

I've told myself for years that I didn't need any help, and shit, that's probably why I'm in the position I am today.

I really was grateful for this girl that barged into my world. I was happy to have met her, but like everything good in my life, it needed to end. I had to end this for her own good.
That's what a good friend would do, right?

I fought the stabbing pain in my chest as I closed the door and walked down the stairs as quickly as I could. I had to move fast before I changed my mind..I had to try and rid her face from my memory and think of where to go next.