Deadly Discern - Book Three ✔️

Chapter Seven - In Too Deep

I've got a problem.

And though I've had this problem for months now, I'd never come to face the reality of it.

It is gradually becoming more and more apparent that I can't fight these deadly urges. No matter how much I want to, the desire and need for blood and torture is now too deeply rooted inside to keep it from breaking free of my hold.

I can feel the overbearing sense of desire attaching itself securely to my veins, travelling riotously through my blood stream and flowing directly into my heart. Along with my physical being, my mental side is falling prey to it too, making a permanent home in my brain, feeding my thoughts with images of my prior kills and my blood lust for the future.

And though I want to fight it, the need is too much for me to truly ignore. And that scares me.

If things are destined to fall back into place with Alex then I need to straighten myself the fuck out. This thing within me cannot ruin my only chance at someone loving me for me, I won't let it.

So the question remains.
How do I fight this thing when I know it'll only beat me down in the end?

The whole idea seems impossible.
I wish I had someone else to turn to, someone to listen to me and give me their opinion.

Oh wait. That reminds me.

Pushing up off the couch where I'd been sitting feeling sorry for myself for the last few hours, I grab my keys from the counter and head out to my car.

The drive is peaceful. My thoughts held at bay for the short expanse of time as I know that I am finally about to speak my mind and have somebody listen wholeheartedly to me.

Stepping from the car, I pace slowly up the path and come to a stop after a short while, staring down at the resting place of my best friend.

"Hey Lyss." I mutter quietly, a rush of emotion hitting me for a brief second.

I needn't fear anyone overhearing me because it's raining heavily and no one travels to these parts when it's this wet.

"I've missed you. It's not the same without you here." I say a little louder.

Silence.

"I didn't come to sulk about the past, I've come because I need some advice and you always listened when I really needed you to."

Silence.

I continue, "Things with Alex are really bad. I'm afraid of what is going to happen to us, I'm afraid that I've destroyed the possibility of us being an us now. I want to make things right and apologise but... I don't think I can stop what I've been doing."

I take a deep breath, shuddering a little as I do, the raw heartbreak forcing its way from the murky depths of my aching chest.

"I know you tried to tell me that I couldn't fight it, and though I didn't believe you then it's not so hard to see now. But there's got to be something I can do. Some way to control this force within me. I won't give up on Alex and I."

I'm crying now, though my tears mix with the rain that beats down on my face, washing away the sorrow and pain and falling to my feet where it meshes easily with mud, rocks, flesh and bone.

"I wish I could go back and stop myself from overreacting, stop us from fighting, stop myself altogether. I look back now and I can't believe I'd been searching for someone new to target already! What is wrong with me?! Okay, that question is moot, I know that. I know what's wrong with me. But... I keep having to admit to myself that the thing that most would see as wrong with me is what feels right to me. How can that be?"