Deadly Discern - Book Three ✔️

Chapter Eleven - Full Heart, Weak Mind

A/N : Yes, I love Metallica.

And, this live version is theeee bomb!
Moving on...

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Lying in bed silently with Alex dozing peacefully beside me - which is something that he so rarely gets - I reminisce over the last several hours.

And it doesn't take me very long to come to realise that I haven't felt this euphoric in so long. Alex brought happiness back to me with his return and his promise to stay. It's all that I'd wanted when he left, I only wished for him to come back to me.

My heart was empty with him gone and the moment that I knew that he'd stay, my heart made its reappearance known, the hole I'd had previously now filled again.

I definitely feel like a different person to who I was yesterday. Reverting back to my prior being, but with it comes the demons that I hold within.

Trepidation fills me as I realise that I'll have to face them head on soon, I can't fight them off forever and truthfully, I don't think I really am holding them back like I thought I had been. My head is all over the place right now, but at least my heart is in one piece again, I glance over at Alex who is on his side, his back facing me, the slow rise and fall of his chest more than enough to steady my fears that this has all been a mere dream.

I can't allow him to break away from me again. I know I can't deal with my life as it is without him. He is the balance, the reason, the safety, he is everything that is sane and normal.

I inhale deeply, forcing away the ensuing tears. No more crying. He is home. He is here. He is with you. I chant the words over and over in my head, grounding myself mentally. Though I feel the cracks, the clear breaks in my head, these are going to be the hardest parts of my rebuilding.

Having Alex by my side again, supporting me as I struggle to find steady ground will make this challenge a little easier to swallow. And when I feel I'm lacking or losing focus, he will help me rise above the insecurity and fight the lack of promise that I have to beat this.

"You're thinking too loudly." Alex mutters from beside me, his voice coated thickly with sleep.

My thoughts grind to a halt as I roll to my side and reach a hand over to his body, resting my palm on his hip, "Good morning." I reply, a small smile on my lips.

"Mmm. Why are you awake?" He asks curiously, still not turning to face me.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Because?" He drags out the word.

I shrug, then realise he still can't see me, "Not sure. Too much on my mind, I guess."

At this he turns to me, his hair is ruffled and messy, and as he squints deeply at me, I note that he is still clearly half asleep, "Can we relax a little before we get into this? I just want to be calm for a while. I need some time to simply be." He closes his eyes again, awaiting my response.

I shuffle my whole body closer to him, to which he lifts his arm up and I settle my head comfortably on his chest and say, "Of course. I'm just happy you're home."

"Good, we will get to everything in due time, don't worry about that." Alex says in reply, leaning down to kiss my head, and in turn calming my unsettled nerves.

Alex dozes for a while after that, in and out over several hours, not completely asleep and not completely awake, his PTSD showing it's true colors as we rest together. I didn't fall back to sleep though, my mind still whirring with thoughts, but I had Ditz for company and how desperately I'd missed her too. She showed me that she had been missing me too as she snuggled into my side, as close as she can possibly be, and I relished the time with her.