Deadly Discern - Book Three ✔️

Chapter Nineteen - Electric Feels

He's lying.

It is abundantly clear that Alex is withholding some kind of really important information from me. I don't know what it is that he's keeping from me, but after he closed himself off to me tonight, I can tell that it's something big and something he doesn't want me to become privy to anytime soon. I shouldn't be so peeved at him for it, I guess, since I was the one who had continuously lied to him in the first place. Though my reasons were very good reasons, or so I thought at the time. Isn't being a killer a really good reason to lie? I sigh to myself, there's never really a good reason to lie to the love of your life.

I'm battling with myself over this. Logic and reason violently locking horns inside of my already fucked up head.

Should I be more forgiving and accept that whatever it is, he will tell me in due time?

Should I leave him to deal with whatever it is and not go breathing down his neck to find the answers out for myself?

I chew on the inside of my cheek, frustrated. I am well aware that I shouldn't push him on this. It's not my place to. I must leave this alone, I nod to myself absently.

This is going to be difficult though, ignoring what is right in front of me every single day. There's a very obvious change that has taken over his being. The way he holds himself and the way he talks to me like he's constantly on high alert.

Perhaps he is.

But, until Alex decides to bring me in on whatever is going on with him, I'm not going to let myself force it from him, he's got enough shit to deal with without my pestering being added to the equation. And I know that I am the main problem right now, I am the shit that he has to deal with on the daily. Knowing this, I plan on not causing him more drama.

I can imagine the fact that he still isn't back to his usual work hours is probably getting to him too, he is a hard worker and when he isn't being utilised, he gets restless. But, I know that's not what this is.

The thing that is definitely getting to me most is the almost electric energy that is surrounding him right now, it's palpable. It practically leaps from his body, and to me, it feels like an electric shock to my skin. I've never felt such an extreme energy from the man before, which is why I'm so concerned about him. I feel that it's normal for me to worry about this kind of thing. Isn't it?

Groaning out loud to myself, I shove my hands into my hair, clenching the strands tightly and lean forwards on the couch, resting my elbows on my knees. Ditz wriggles up under my elbows and licks my face affectionately, sensing my unrest, and I smile despite my dampened mood. The fact is, I'm dwelling on the matter and it's not helping me one bit.

Picking Ditz up, I settle her snuggly into my left side, petting her mindlessly. I raise my eyesight, staring at the television screen before me that is still on after Alex left the house earlier, and currently some kind of advertising graces the screen, I don't look long enough to find out what though, my mind searching thoughtlessly for other distractions instead.

Averting my line of sight, I stare at a wispy strand of a spider web that has caught a drift in the room, floating gently back and forth from the ceiling.
It only furthers my thoughts of Alex and his very lax nature. He doesn't like to overload anyone with his problems, preferring to keep them to himself unless sharing the issue is a necessity. And right now, he's choosing to keep it bottled up, locked up tight and far from my reach. Though, I don't know where he went, or what he's doing, and it doesn't really matter what he's doing anyway. He's a big boy. I'm not his caretaker. I'm his greatest supporter.

I hesitate on the word because in all honesty, I've been the weakest supporter for him of late. Showing him basically nothing to prove that I'm working to change for both myself and for him. I'm aware of my greatest faults and weaknesses and I only want to show him how strong I can be and how much more I have to give.