Presque Vu

Chapter 17

Of course, Shannon's hour turned out to be more like 90 minutes, but Raina was already used to his creative interpretation of clocks and schedules. She remembered her promises to Jared about the way she had been eating and made sure to at least get a salad to go with the pizza, which she still somehow managed to get delivered at the right time in spite of Shannon's lateness. He showed up with brownies and beer and they made a big nest of pillows and blankets in the middle of her living room floor from which to watch the movie.

"Are you feeling okay?" was his first question as soon as they had made their plates and settled in.

"I'm fine, really. I took the weekend to rest up and now that I'm out of classes for a few months my stress levels should come down nicely," she told him.

He gave her a soft smile. "You really did have me worried you know. I get that you're a bit of a porcupine, you don't like to be crowded, and I tried to respect that and give you some space but I kind of wanted to camp out on your doorstep until you came to your senses."

"I'm a porcupine huh?" Raina laughed. "Nobody's called me that before."

"Well, it's true. You're all defensive spines on the outside but you're still somehow adorable." He took a swig of beer while she shook her head at him. "Someday you'll tell me how you got all those spines."

Raina shrugged and dropped her eyes, the humor seeming to melt from her. It felt like everyone wanted something from her, first Cassie and her questions, then Jared and all his discussions and then the doctor and her interrogation, and now Shannon, who was supposed to just be her chill buddy, was starting in on her too. It was as if everyone had lost confidence in her to be able to conduct her own life. She knew she had her issues but she mostly kept things together on her own and she resented all of them for implying otherwise. This is why you don't open up to people Raina. They just turn it against you.

'And there they go again," Shannon said sadly, shaking his head and retreating back to his side of the pillows. "I'm sorry, I'll back off." He turned the TV on. "So what are we watching?"

Raina felt a twinge of guilt at his obvious disappointment but she was relieved that conversation was over. "I don't know, I thought we could pick something out on Netflix," she said. The movie really hadn't been the point when she had invited him over but now that it looked like she had upset him she figured she had better pick a good one because that was probably going to be the extent of her excitement for the evening.

They settled on an action flick about international art thieves that neither one of them had seen. They sat close to each other eating as the movie progressed but barely a word was said. There was an awkwardness that had settled in between them that made Raina more uncomfortable than the questions had. She realized that as attractive as she found Shannon, and as great as their sex had been, it was his companionship that she craved the most deeply. She wasn't sure what to do about that. It was a lot more dangerous than craving sex. She thought about just getting through to the end of the movie and then collecting their dishes and kicking him out, pushing him away once and for all. It would not only stop the awkward questions but it would neatly solve her dilemma with Jared. Choice made. Instead, almost at the end of the movie, she found herself doing something unexpected.

"I lost everything," she said simply. "Everything that meant anything to me, I lost it or let it fall apart and now I don't trust anyone. Not even myself."

Shannon picked up the remote and turned off the TV in the middle of the car chase that was currently on the screen. "That's..." he trailed off for a moment, considering his response. "Do you want to talk about it?"

No no no no no no no no no I don't. "There's not a lot to tell, really. I thought that if I did everything I was supposed to and played by the rules that everything would work out for me in the end. I trusted fate. I trusted people I shouldn't have. Now I know better." She didn't want to go through the whole story again for the second time in less than a week. The details didn't really matter anyway. They didn't change the fractures on her heart.