Presque Vu

Chapter 13

Raina couldn't breathe, couldn't move. There was something heavy lying across her, holding her limbs down, pressing on her chest. She fought down the rising panic, trying to kick her legs loose or free her arms. As she tossed her head from side to side she began to orient herself a bit and realized she had been dreaming, that the only thing she was pinned under was her blanket and Jared, who had wrapped himself around her like the kudzu around her grandfather's farm. The panic wouldn't leave though, and she dragged herself out from underneath him, falling on the floor in her effort not to wake him. He merely groaned and rolled over as Raina fled to the bathroom, locking the door and starting the shower to cover the sounds of her sobs. This couldn't be happening again. She didn't think she could fight her way back if the darkness and fear came for her again.

She sat on the bathroom floor clutching her knees, trying to talk herself back down from the proverbial ledge she was on. She focused on controlling her breathing, ignoring the way her limbs were shaking, the nausea, the ringing in her ears and the sick sweat on her skin. After what felt like an eternity her chest began to loosen and the shaking stopped, but she was drained, and she let herself dissolve into a puddle on the cold tile floor.

Raina didn't know what had brought this on. It had been almost a year now since she'd had an attack, and she truly thought she'd left them behind her. The only thing that had changed recently was the addition of her two lovers, and her pathetic little attempts to open up to them. Was she really this constitutionally incapable of any kind of emotional intimacy anymore? Was this all she was? IF came to choosing between anxiety and loneliness, she was going to have to choose loneliness. She couldn't make this trip again.

She stayed in the bath until she had composed herself and the shower was no longer giving off steam. When she went back into the bedroom Jared was more or less as she had left him, rolled to his side but still sleeping, unaware of her little crisis. She watched him for a minute but couldn't bring herself to get back into bed next to him, so instead made her way into the kitchen to start the kettle.

Once she had a mug of tea in her hand, she sat down with the pieces of her presentation that was scheduled for tomorrow. She had taken the day off work to prepare but really there wasn't much left to do but obsess. Maybe it's just the stress of finals, she thought, maybe it's not Jared and Shannon at all.

Still trying to quiet her mind she found a book and settled herself under a quilt on the sofa. She wasn't sure how long she was out there before she drifted off to sleep but the next thing she knew Jared was shaking her arm gently.

"Raina? Are you okay? What are you doing out here? I didn't chase you off did I?" He was standing over her, peering at her with those bright blue eyes as his brow creased in concern. Raina blinked and sat up quickly, her haste sending the book tumbling from her lap and to the floor. Jared scooped it up and handed back to her.

"No, I'm sorry. I have my final presentation due tomorrow and I just came out to go over some things again. Too jittery to sleep properly I suppose," she lied.

Jared sat down on the sofa next to her. "When do you have to go into work? A decent breakfast would probably help settle your nerves."

Raina shook her head. "I'm off until Monday so I can finish up with school but I'm too nervous to eat, really."

Jared sighed. "Look, I know it's not really any of my business but you have to take care of yourself." He tucked a curl behind one ear and kissed her forehead.

Raina felt the butterflies start their unwelcome migration from her sex to her heart and gritted her teeth. I'm not going to do this, she told herself. I am not going to fall into his arms just because he shows me the smallest kindness. She got up from her seat. "You're right, it's not any of your business," she told him, her arms folded defensively in front of her.