Let's Be Alone Together

Chapter 8

Liam hasn't checked his phone in days, he realizes, when he empties out his pockets later that night. It's partially on purpose, since he knows he has upset and maybe even frightened his friends and family, but it's also -

it's been liberating. Focusing on himself. Not caring about anyone else's opinions. Except for Zayn's. But Zayn .. Liam wants to impress Zayn, but he feels like all he needs for that to happen is to be himself. Flawed, stupid, scared Liam Payne still manages to impress Zayn, and he's never met anyone that's so easy to get along with.

Not that Zayn doesn't have his flaws. He smokes too much and he hates waking up early and he pretends not to have a care in the world, but underneath that, Liam knows, is a soft, gentle person with one of the biggest hearts Liam's ever had the fortune of meeting. He's seen him doodle in one of the three notebooks that he takes wherever they go, and from what he could see before Zayn covered the page, he's an artist.

(Liam's asked him what the three books were for, on the train. Zayn looked at him for a long moment, or maybe through him, before answering. Liam wondered if he'd say they weren't important, but he knows they both know it'd be a lie. Zayn eventually tells him.

One is for drawings. Anything that he'll see that inspires him. Things he's seen before that he draws from memory. Liam wonders if he's in there.

Another is for their experiences. Zayn writes in it every evening, and it's the thickest by far, because every ticket stub, every memento they've gathered on this trip is in there. Liam knows he's in there.

The third, Zayn tells him, with somewhat of a sheepish smile, is everything he thinks that he can't say. It's his thoughts, his feelings, his desires, his fears. It's the one he has never shown anyone, he says, and Liam is curious, naturally so, but he doesn't blame Zayn for never leaving it unattended. Even if he wants to know if he's in there, Liam knows he'd never betray Zayn's trust and have a look, if he did leave it lying around.)

Zayn is in the shower now - they opted for a proper hotel room for the night, because after the train ride and the long walk through Paris, they both felt like having some privacy, and a decent shower - and Liam debates for a moment, before rummaging through his bag to find his charger.

It takes a moment for his phone to light up, the battery fully drained as he'd expected (smartphones are useful, he won't deny that, but damn, they run out of battery fast), and Liam leaves it on the dresser as he grabs whatever he needs for when it's his turn in the shower.

The noises - messages - come pouring in then, and he finds himself stiffening, unwilling to look at the list of people he's disappointed, yet again.

(He's so tempted to turn off his phone, but he can't keep running away, he knows that.)

He ignores the messages from Ruth and Nicola, deletes the voice mails without listening, and taps out a quick message in their family WhatsApp.

I'm fine I'm in Paris don't worry about me

I don't know when I'm coming back so don't ask

I love you all

I'm sorry

He turns off his Internet before any of them can respond, and then checks through the list of messages people have left him.

Niall just sent one, and when Liam reads it, he smiles. No matter what happens, Niall seems to be the one person on his side.

(It reads good luck wherever you're going bro, hope you find what you're looking for. Have a beer on me)

Louis, in contrast, has sent a veritable app-bomb, over 27 messages since he left. They range from insults to (Liam's sure, drunk late night) I miss you's and be safe's.

The thing that takes him by surprise is Dani's messages. Liam feels his stomach lurch when his messenger program tells him he's got two unread app's from her, and the urge to turn off his phone and throw it in a corner has never been stronger.

Liam, come back home, the first one reads, and it's dated four days and three hours ago.

The second one is more recent, sent only six hours and seven minutes ago - Liam's not sure if that's taking into account the time difference, or why he's even considering that. Maybe it's because focusing on unimportant details makes him feel less .. less everything.

I want you back. Don't be ridiculous. Come home.

He wants to - he's not sure. Scream. Cry. Kick something. Fly back to her right this second and stay as far away from her as he can. She's toxic, she's the reason he's gone and he hates her.

(He loves her. Still. Maybe always will. And that's, that's part of the reason he's gone because he's so tired of being this boy. Being this stupid little lovesick puppy that perks up at the smallest hint of affection. That's so starved for anything good that don't be ridiculous, come home sounds like I love you too, I'm so sorry.)

He sits there, with his phone in his hands, the sky changing color around him, and he doesn't hear anything but the rush of thoughts whirring in his head, snippets leaking out, her laughter, her moans, and it feels like he can't breathe, like nothing can cut through this, and it's exactly how he felt before he ran away, before he took what she said to be true - you're such a coward, Liam, Christ - and left, and this is why he left, but he can't escape this.

He can't escape himself, and running away was stupid, she's right. It's ridiculous. What is he going to gain from this? How is he going to change when he can't even face what he's left behind, when all he's doing is ignoring the increasingly louder thoughts in his head and trying to drown them out by implanting new memories into his brain?

It's the adult, filled-with-proper-cultural-visits-and-therefore-allowed-and-even-admired version of sticking his fingers in his ears and going LALALALALALA.

How is this going to make him a better person? How - is it even possible? Is he ever going to be a better person? Or is this it? Is he just going to be this sad, pathetic human being that everyone looks down on, that's forever disappointing everyone?

Maybe he should go back and prove them wrong.

Or maybe he should stay right here. Maybe he should make a new life for himself. Right here. Or, anywhere, that's away from the people that are supposed to love him. He could do it. Maybe.

He's pretty sure he could do it as long as he's got Zayn, but how long til Zayn is going to get sick of him too? How long until Zayn will look at him the way Dani did, with sometimes-pity-and-sometimes-resentment? People that claim to love him, yet throw it in his face that there's not very much to love about him.

Maybe he should just leave him too, before he fucks Zayn up. Because isn't that what Dani said, before? That he's toxic? That he makes good people do bad things? Because he's selfish and he wants too much and he holds people to standards that they can never achieve (and doesn't that sound familiar, coming from her lips), and he shouldn't do that to Zayn. He shouldn't make him suffer the way others have suffered, simply by knowing him.

That's it then. He's not coming back. But he's not staying here either. Zayn might think the world of him now, but he won't in a few weeks, and as much as it'll hurt Liam to leave now, he'd rather leave while Zayn still wants him here, than outstay his welcome and taint his memories.

He wants to be Liam-who-lights-up-his-world-like-nobody-else. Liam-a-living-breathing-screaming-invitation-to-believe-better-things. But he can't be either of those things. He can't even be Liam, really. It's been so long since he's been anything that other people wanted that he's not too sure he even knows himself. And isn't that, ultimately, why he left? To find out who he is?

How can he do that, how can he ever aspire to do that, when he's so busy trying to be what Zayn wants?