Let's Be Alone Together

Chapter 6

They've known each other for less than a week, and yet Liam feels like he's not quite sure what he's going to do without Zayn. After visiting the Efteling, they've done a few more touristy things around the Netherlands, driving up to take the boat to one of the islands, renting a bike and exploring the coastline, and they've even driven all the way up to the other side of the country (not like that's hard, it's tiny) to see the Hunebedden.

It is their last day here, and the weather is damp and foggy and it fits Liam's mood, and every time Zayn gets that smile on his face because of a damn rock, Liam feels irritated. Maybe he is jealous. Maybe he wants Zayn's attention, because they've agreed to take the car back to the rental tomorrow and he holds a grudge against a stupid rock construction that means God-knows-what because all Liam could think when Zayn explained was when is this going to end.

He's yet to ask him what Zayn's plans are, because he's not sure if he wants to hear that he doesn't know, thinks it might be worse if Zayn does know and his plans simply don't include him. He's yet to ask if they can keep in touch, when they're on the road or back in England. He thinks things might be different, back there. Thinks Zayn might not like him all that much.

He's jolted from his thoughts when Zayn slides his fingers in his, gives him a little squeeze and a grin, and Liam can't help but smile back, even when Zayn's smile turns smug and those fingers disappear under his jacket, cold spreading through his body when they're pressed against his waist, too faint to do more than tickle. "Ass!" He says, but it comes out fond, and Zayn's smile is unrepentant.

"Figured you needed cheering up," he says, shrugging a shoulder as he withdraws his hands. "Your smile's not lighting up any worlds right now, Liam."

Liam loves how he says his name, Leeyum, can't help but smile a little at his words. Zayn looks so proud when he does, pats his cheek and murmurs "There it is," tone soft and fond, and Liam is going to miss him.

It's that awkward, inevitable moment, that, frankly, follows a whole lot of awkward, inevitable moments that have been happening from the moment they got up this morning. First it was packing their bags, then checking out of the hostel, then returning the car and dealing with money and being asked about any further holiday plans. Now it's here. On the street in Amsterdam, outside the car rental that Liam wanted to storm out of just a week ago, where right now he wants nothing more than to stay, keep Zayn from leaving too.

"So," he says, but then doesn't know what to say. He's afraid his voice will crack, and Zayn .. Zayn glances away and lights a cigarette, echoes his 'so' with a quiet one of his own. Liam scrapes his throat and tries again, takes a breath and lets it out in a whoosh of air.

He isn't this guy. He doesn't take risks. Minus coming to the Netherlands, but that wasn't as much a risk as it was being a coward, running away. For a guy who wanted to be a superhero or a fire fighter, Liam isn't big on actually getting in the middle of it, on putting himself out there, knowing that he could get hurt.

"It's been fun," he says instead, and Zayn looks up at him, smiles humorlessly.

"It has been," he agrees easily, reaches out as though he's going to prod Liam's side, then drops his hand and just gestures between them. "Surprisingly so."

Liam makes a face, thinks back of how he'd been just last week, on how much he'd wanted to hate Zayn on sight. He's glad he gave him a chance, now. "I'm glad I got to know you," he says, voice soft, and Zayn gives him another of those smiles, but it's gentler now.

"Me too," he nods, takes a drag from his cigarette and smiles again. "I'm glad you lived a little, Li." His smile falters and he looks serious all of a sudden, meets his gaze and doesn't look away right the next second for what feels like the first time today. "Keep that up, okay? Keep .. just don't lose that spark, yeah? You're .. you're a great guy, Liam, and I don't know what happened, I don't know who hurt you or why you left, or even who you were, before all of this, but if there's anything you take back -- you're a great guy. And you deserve to live, and to make mistakes, and .. God, don't listen to me, I don't even know what I'm saying. I just .." He shakes his head, but Liam gets it.

"Thanks," he says quietly, and Zayn nods, and this is it, this is the moment he's been dreading, because there's nothing more to say than goodbye, and he doesn't think he can stand it, but he's not too sure he can stand delaying the inevitable either. "So," he starts again, winces when his voice does this thing where it so desperately wants to sound strong but fails spectacularly. Zayn has the decency not to comment on it, just looks up at him with those smart hazel eyes, and Liam wishes he could read him as easily as he knows Zayn can read him.

"I guess this-" he starts, and Zayn stops him, holds up his finger and rummages through his backpack, comes up with a small notebook that claims I LOVE HOLLAND, decorated in red, white, blue and orange. It's tacky, and Liam loves it, even before Zayn hands it to him and says

"I wrote you something. Don't -- read it after I'm gone, okay? I'm not good with this kind of thing, as you maybe can tell. So just .. let's just .." He shrugs a shoulder, gestures towards the notebook.

Liam nods. Looks up at him and holds the notebook close to his chest. "I won't say goodbye then," he says, and Zayn smiles sadly. "I won't say I miss you either," he continues, and his tone is half teasing and half so honest it feels like he's tearing down his own walls and directing everyone to the parts where it's so damn easy to break him right now.

"Yeah," Zayn says, reaches out to squeeze his arm. "Me too, Li." He reaches out, kisses his cheek, murmurs "I won't say it," and the exhale against his cheek is not a laugh, Liam knows, and what's stuck in his throat isn't either.

There's so much he wants to say, but it boils down to goodbye and he promised he wouldn't. So he stays quiet and squeezes Zayn back and then he watches him, because it hurts, seeing him walk away, but it would hurt more not to, to not have that last moment, to not have every moment he can.

The moment Zayn turns the corner, Liam opens up the small notebook to Zayn's slanted writing.

"You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things." - Jamie Tworkowski

Thanks for being that person for me, Li.

ZM.

The words get blurred out by the end, but Liam's pretty sure that's because there are tears in his eyes, and he doesn't breathe until he's read the words twice. He's not sure what he's doing until he's shouldered his bag and broken out into a run, but it's live a little Liam and you will need other people and it's Zayn.

"Zayn! Wait! Wait up!"