Saddle Up Again

{ Chapter 15 }

The next two days were utter hell. Mother got on me so many times just to take my goddamn medicine sometimes I just had to tell her to shut up and then I just leave the house to go walk around for hours. I sometimes would act like I would swallow the antidepressants but then other times I would just be like no and stick it under my tongue and act like I swallowed it. Mother still trying to convince me to go to the barn but I still said no every single time.

At one point, mother yelled at me and said I should not have sold my prize jumper and I was a fool to lay in guilt and depression and not get help. All I did was roll my eyes at her say, "even if I wanted to feel OK again I wouldn't listen to you." Every time I talked to her my voice would drip with poison just to make her hurt even more.

My father on the other hand didn't even give a fuck about me like always. He had left after Shelia pasted away and I didn't care at this point. The day after my first appointment with that bitchy shrink he called and of course I ignored it and then he left a voicemail that said, "you should go back to the barn and stop treating your mother like shit. You don't know how much it's hurting her." I called him back and immediately got his voicemail and of course I said, "go to fucking hell asshole." Then I blocked him even to my mother's dismay.

As for everyone at the barn, I was getting texts almost every day or every week from everybody. Even though I've been gone for three months they still wanted me to come back and join the advanced event team even though I declined every time. Only person I would talk to was Miss Kim because she understood what I was going through after losing her son in a car accident and her daughter to suicide.

Every week, I would get an email from Wild Fire's new owner, a young girl looking into getting into a eventing. Every week the email was practically the same shit always. Saying that wildfire was doing great and was being amazing and all their lessons with the professional trainer that she had hired to come out four times a week to the stable that was on her parents property. The young girl was very well off therefore she got a lot of training and her parents had no problem paying the large sale bill. But, just for caution, they had a man who had been trailering horses cross country for his whole life trailer her out to her property. Once she got her tack, she sent me pictures of the hand made precious leather that cost more than I could ever afford.

Every email that the young girl sent I just skimmed over and respond is almost the same every week, it was usually "I'm glad that Wild Fire and you are doing good and work well together."

~~

"Kayla, I don't think those antidepressants are helping so I'm going to up your dosage. Now you're going to take one pill in the morning and one pill at night. They should probably make you feel better. And if it doesn't, it makes you feel worse, then please call right away." Said Dr. Willsworth.

I just rolled my eyes at her and turned to look out the window again. There's a stable across the street, since her office was in a slightly remote location. They made me sad and I, for the first time, missed Wild Fire.

Dr. Willsworth worth of coarse noticed immediately. She came over and sat by me on the small love seat and looked out the window exactly where I was looking. She let out a long sigh and then said, "are you missing that mare used to own?"

For the first time I just said to be honest with her.

"Yes. Very much. That little mare was the love of my life that I never should have given her up. I know it wasn't my fault that Sheila died, but I know I've made it seem that way in my own mind. Wild Fire probably could've save me from the deep guilt hole I'm in."

Dr. Wellsworth took a step back and smiled. It was a genuine smile that showed lots of happiness and said of fake unwillingness.