Found something real
that's out of touch.
-Not About Angels, Birdy
Hello, thought I might want to physically transcribe my thoughts today, also the events that have transpired this past week.
If I were asked to describe my type, I wouldn't know what to say. Because the truth is, I don't know what I want until it's standing in front of me.
At first glance, I didn't want him. Honestly I didn't even notice him, until someone pointed him out to me. Looking closer, he isn't so bad. Looking even closer, he's actually cute. That's where it started.
Honestly, it was nothing more than my loneliness clutching unto any living human being, but it was something.
I don't know what happened, but I was so obsessed with the idea of overcoming loneliness that I didn't let it go, and maybe I should have.
This year, we became classmates. And I was happy because there was something there to distract me, something that would save me from boredom.
I began joking about it in 11th grade, and in 12th it spread like wildfire. Which seems childish to me now.
Anyways, he has a girlfriend. Honestly I am cringing internally at how pathetic I sound but I'll try to continue with as much honesty as I can. His girlfriend is a model, who looks the part. She is probably intelligent and has manners and composure. She probably doesn't look like a half-baked french fry (don't get me wrong, I love myself & all that shit).
I knew this. Yet I allowed myself to continue tending to my "feelings" for him. I watered a plant that had no chance of surviving; I fed a dog that was going to be put down.
We had a play. And because news spreads fast in high school, which, I admit, is partly my fault, my group-mates knew about it. And because high schoolers like to play Cupid, they paired us up.
I was excited even though I knew it was stupid. *tries to squeeze in a lol in there to sound less stupid* We were playing a couple, can you believe it? And I got the chance to be around him, which made me stupidly, pathetically, happy.
And I thought that was it. I would have been happy to end it on a high note. I was ready to say farewell because I knew that was all there is to it.
As it turns out, life is a jealous bitch. We had to write poems for a subject in which we were allowed to write about whatever we want. And guess what? Unsurprisingly, he wrote about his girlfriend.
What hurts is that it was such a beautiful poem, and somehow I could feel that it was sincere. I fell apart right then and there, silently, quietly, on my own. Though I'm sure my friends saw the impact it had on me.
INSERT SCREAMO MUSIC ABOUT HARD FEELINGS!!!
Anyways, I can't say I regret anything. It was good cause I actually felt something besides Emptiness and Loneliness™. I felt things, yo! I felt sad, which is good! (Have y'all seen Inside Out? Sadness. Is. Good!)
Honestly I would be lucky to feel anything with the same intensity and commitment at this point.
Rant over. Thanks, but I'm letting that shit go. I need to shift my focus into my academics, especially considering how if i try hard enough I could be valedictorian. Also, my grades have been meh and that's makin me real sad ;(
