hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 32

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Songs:

Lighters - Bruno Mars

Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus

Everytime We Touch - Cascada (slow)

Dear Daisy,

The flat I was visiting yesterday with your dad was absolutely perfect. It's a quite big flat for only one person, but now that I gain much more money than before I can afford it.

It's  a big building in Bloomsbury, quite nice, isn't it? Well I already told that guy that I'm probably gonna say yes. I mean, there's no negative aspect about all of this. I'll bring all my stuff there, maybe buy some new things too. I thought about buying a new bed, I mean it's five months that I've been sleeping in there all alone, I need to detach myself from all these kind of things. 

A lot will stay at your parents, they said they could need a drawer, I also leave all your clothing and other personal things there, not only because I can't need them, but they're your parents, they deserve to have those things. 

It still is a weird situation for me, you know? I grew to love your parents, more than I could ever love my own, but it's so strange that when you were still with us, they couldn't stand me. And now, they're there for me like no one else is. 

I really am thankful that your father mostly, helps me with a lot of things, for instance the flat. He was the first to say that he can arrange a van for my move. He came and helped me to get all of the stuff out of our old flat, and now they even let me stay at theirs until I find my own. Which by the way, I just did. I found my own flat. I found another help to start my new life, I can begin from zero. I can walk into the kitchen where I've never seen you standing.

I know it sounds a little heartless, but it does feel very good not to think of you  sometimes, even when it's just a simple minute. In this minutes my heart stops aching and can rest for a little while. You know those moments don't stay for long so I really am enjoying them. I like thinking about something else than you just to distract myself. 

What I also wanted to tell you is that I heard your mother talking to one of her friends in the living room. You know your parents house is big, easy to hide at times, which I did. And then I heard them talk about me. 

Your mother said something about how guilty she feels, she said she regrets not accepting me when you were still alive. Also did she say that I'm a nice guy and that she's so sorry for me. 

I don't really know what to think of it. Should I feel good because she finally likes me? She said that she owes me, she owes you. She said that helping me and caring for me is the least she can do to feel better about herself. I understand her. I exactly know how she feels, she feels like she didn't do the right things when you were here, and now that you're gone she feels obligated to do all the things she should have done before. 

Better late than never I guess. But her friend, Doris I believe her name is, asked her if my tattoos didn't bother her, she said they are hideous, and if she didn't feel uncomfortable being seen with someone like me. 

It did hurt, I even thought about talking back to her, but that would mean that I've been listening the whole time, which would be really embarrassing. 

But your mother, the good person she is, said that my tattoos were none of her business and that it's not about the tattoos I have, it's about the goodwill, and about my caring and almost perfect personality. 

She really said that, my almost perfect personality. Unbelievable, isn't it?

I really feel sorry for your mother that her friend is such a bitch, she deserves much better. But she still has your father, who on the other side, could be compared to an angel.

He really has a heart of pure gold, doesn't he? Whenever we talk about you, which happens quite often lately, he never says Daisy or Dase, he says my little princess. 

He always wants to know what we talked about and what we did, how you were. Sometimes we even sit down and look at old photos, mostly of us, and then I tell him the stories to them, I tell him what happened that day. 

I really enjoy doing that, I like being the one that knows more about you than the others do. I know I've always been that person to you, the one that knows the most about you. But having it confirmed by other people makes me feel really special.

I can tell them things they didn't know, and I can leave things out they don't have to know. 

Daisy, I really can't wait to move, maybe the move sets me free, maybe not. I don't know Dase, but I really want to be happy again, I want to smile out of pure happiness and laugh because I genuinely want to. I want to live again and detach myself from all the sad and bad around me. 

I want to be happy again. So happy that maybe, I can fall in love again.

I love you Daisy

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first of all, a previous sorry for the long authors note.

2.THANK YOU FOR ALMOST 7K READS

3. 100 Letters is ranked, yayy

4. I really decided that I'll try to update every day, at least more often.

5. i need a trailer, please if you know someone, write me!

:) x