hundred letters - harry styles

Letter 15

Songs:

Half A Heart - One Direction

Just Give Me A Reason - Pink

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis (obsessed!)

Dear Daisy,

Another day until this horrible year is finally over, I can't wait to let 2013 be and "move on". I want to try not to think too much of my problems and concentrate a little more about my future. It's not that easy though since I always pictured a future with you. I knew from the day I met you that if I would ever have children, you would be their mother. When we moved in I felt like a big part of my life has become to my future. Does that make any sense? I mean, the moving part is off the list now, but so are you and our future kids and my happiness. All that left with you. So I need to create a new future, a new job, maybe even a new flat. I want to try to make my life work. Trust me, I haven't given up on us, but I just feel like I should give life a try. It's gonna be hard, hell, it already is harder than I could have ever imagined, but even if it's only for a short period of time, I have to do something. I can't stay in bed all day and cry my eyes out. I became way too weak for my liking. I would make fun of someone like me, I would laugh at my weakness and at how depressed I became. I wouldn't understand why I hurt myself and I would give myself strange looks. I actually am that kind of person that is this heartless. But now that I'm in this position, I understand fourteen years olds, I actually do understand why they see self harm as the only way to escape a little. But it isn't. Self harm is some cruel game, a game that once you've started playing it, gets over you. You're stuck in a circle, you are sad so you self harm, then you're sad because you self harm. You're insecure, so you self harm, but then you're insecure about self harming. This is at least as cruel as life.

I have tried to stop cutting, believe me, I went almost four days without even touching the razor, but it's hard. It really is. I don't do it to feel anything anymore, now it's all about being addicted to it. I don't need a reason to feel pain anymore, I do it because seriously, why not? Is there anyone to stop me? Is there anyone who would feel worthless because they didn't help? There is no one that could give a single damn about it. So why trying to please them when there is no them?

I have thought about moving out actually, there isn't anything that would keep me here, all the memories are in my head, being reminded of how great life used to be doesn't really help. It doesn't help that I see all of your stuff, because whenever I see it, I have this tiny little part of me, that still hopes you'll come back. There will always be that part, the one that won't believe that all of this happened. I know it sounds stupid, but I do feel like this is just a nightmare because I never expected life to be that of an asshole. I knew that there were very unfortunate people, some who won't get things right but I never was one of them. So why including this into my world? Why thinking that I would ever be one of those people? I'm a selfish piece of shit but I personally don't think I deserve this. I have done a lot of things in the past that weren't always right, but what could I have possibly done that I would deserve to live such a life? You can't call it life anymore actually, this is more like a torture or a visit in hell. I just wait everyday to pass, there is nothing I look up to, no reason to wake up and smile. Only yesterday, I stood in front of the mirror, forcing myself to smile, I did that for about two minutes when I thought what for? No one sees it, no one cares.

The next thing I have to fix before my future can even start is my job. I need to get one as soon as possible. It's not the money, no, you know that my parents fix those issues, but it's my own self esteem. I think a job might be a good way to feel useful again, maybe if I work again, I try to concentrate and forget about all the things going on in my head. I will have something to do, a reason to wake up, maybe I'll even start talking again. Because to be honest, it's over a month that you've gone, and the only people who had ever heard me talking are the people at your funeral, my ex boss, the guy at the supermarket and Jake. And none of this was an actual talk, it was more like a mumble.

Only your parents know how I feel. They know about what we had, even if they never accepted it, they knew that we were made for each other. They will probably never admit it, but they know that I was good for you, just as good as you were for me. They were the closest to you. You are their creation and they are the only ones that know how much it hurts to lose you. They know exactly how amazing you were and how much it hurts not to have you here anymore.

Your mother calls me once a day, at first just to make sure I'm not doing anything stupid. She would call and say Harry go read something or Harry go for a walk. But now she calls because she cares, at least she gives me that feeling. She asks how I'm doing and what my plans are. She even asked if I wanted to spend New Year with them. To be honest, I don't think I have anything better to do, so I guess I'll visit them.

It does make me feel good, she is so much nicer to me, we often talk for about an hour, nothing specific, just anything. She told me her friend Margret came over and brought some home made cookies. I don't really care but, why shouldn't I listen to her? I believe it makes her happy, and by now, I know how it feels to be alone. And I don't want her to feel alone.

I love you Daisy

I know it took soo long for me to update, but I have an amazing idea for the next few letters! Please guess and share your theories, I really want to know what you think about the story so far! If you can then please vote and comment :) it always makes me sooo happy to see all of your amazing comments :) I try to update again before Friday, but I can't promise anything :)