Thoughts

Detachment

For the longest time, I thought I was in love with you.
Since I was twelve
And you were fifteen
And I was just your little sisters' best friend.

But you talked down to me,
And I never noticed.
I moved, and was treated differently by people,
Better people,
Then you.
But I still didn't care
Even though I realized how horrible you were to me
Even though I could hear your contempt in every word.

But I was still in love with you.

And then I heard you had gotten a girlfriend
And I didn't know how to feel.

And now that I've seen you again
I feel nothing.
No love, nor hate, nor the weird mix of the two that I'd carried since I noticed your personality.

I just see a person.
A man, related to the people I care about.

Your girlfriend is lovely.
You must have matured to be with someone who seems as sweet as her.
(Because it wasn't just me who received your contempt and condescension
You treated everyone like that)

But then you insulted me again so I don't know, maybe you haven't.
Maybe the you she's met is not the real you.
Or maybe something about me just brings out the worst in you.

I don't know,
And for the first time that I can remember,
I don't care.

I don't like you,
I will never like you.

But I don't hate you anymore while still craving your approval.
I know that I will stop thinking of you.

The way you treated me fucked me up so much,
But I know that I've let go of that hurt now.
I just don't care anymore.
I think you're rude but it's not an important thing anymore.
I will be petty when you come up, sure,
But because that's just my nature.
And I am able to forget but I cannot forgive

For the first time that I can remember I don't give a damn about you.

There are no emotions that come to mind when I think of you anymore.
You and your horridness are just a fact,
A statement.

And I know I will Not write about you again.
Because their are so many things I wrote but unpublished
Because I was scared one sister would see
And see how I felt,
And she knew,
But not the depths.
Not that dislike I said was a hatred
And my fondness extended longer and deeper then a middle school crush.
I will never publish them.
And I will never have to rid my emotions of you in writing again,
Because they will not claw at me in the dramatic, angsty way they once did.

Thinking of you,
Writing this,
Is making me smile
Because the hurt that came with the memories is gone.

And I hope anyone who's ever been in this situation,
Loving a person they hate,
Resenting their self for their clear lack of self respect,
To have feelings for someone who talks down to you,
Comes to the point where I'm at.

Because I don't give a fuck about you anymore,
And all I can do is laugh
Because this feeling is oh so freeing.