Something About Us

Part Four

Part Four

        I told TJ everything that happened the next morning. From the moment Seven picked me up until the time when he hissed those harsh words to me and then stormed off. TJ's eyes looked glassy, as though he would start crying.
            "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have told you to go. What if Holiday gets mad and you two break up and-and-" TJ ran off into Mom's room and I thought it was because he ran off in tears, but he came back with a palm-sized bottle of liquid make-up that was a little too tan for my skin, and a compact. "Sit up and show me the . . . you know."
            TJ, the Hook-up King, couldn't even bring himself to say hickey. He must have been really distraught. I pulled down the sleeve of my favourite pyjama shirt which was a white 2008 Caribana t-shirt. TJ rubbed the liquid make-up over the mark until it looked like nothing but a well-tanned circle. Then he brushed the powdery compact make-up over it and my blemish-free neck looked restored despite a little swelling.
    "There. You're good to go and see Holiday today." TJ sighed and then he hugged me. He buried his face in the other side of my neck. "I'm so sorry! I'm so stupid!"
            "It's not your fault. I should've known I was leading him on. In a way, I don't blame him for being angry." I'm pretty sure Seven assumed we would kiss or something. Seven must've thought that I was reciprocating his feelings because I accepted his date. I sent him mixed signals.
           "Still," TJ sniffed.
           "I'm having a sleepover with Holiday on Tuesday." I told TJ, and his eyes got all wide. "Not at his house because his folks are going to be there, they don't have any of those rich people conventions or whatever."
            TJ clapped his hand over my mouth. "Sleep over as in sleep? As in not actually sleep? But rather do other things when you're supposed to be sleeping? With each other?"
            I nodded and TJ squealed as if he was a girl and I was a girl who had just announced her engagement or something. And then the tears in his eyes multiplied. "My little brother's going to get de-virginized"
          "No! That's not about to happen." I said firmly.
            "That's what I thought in my mind when it was happening with Greg. But thinking isn't easy when you've got the glasses of lust on. I'll just let him hug me. Oh, maybe just one kiss. Just a little tongue. He can sneak just a peek. I'll touch him just a little. He'll feel me just a little. He'll put it in just a little. Then BA-BAM! You're doing the do!" He cried.
          TJ did have a point, thought it was stretched far.Though I doubt he had anything on his mind at that point but Greg. In fact, I think TJ had it set in his mind that he was going to make it to Greg before it even happened.    
           "Just be careful, okay? Even though you guys aren't going to do it like that being like that can have an effect on your self-esteem. If you don't want to, you don't have to." TJ got all serious on me. Where was he when he was banging his older sister's boyfriend in the school's A\V room?
            "Yeah, yeah, yeah-"
           And then TJ brought his face close to mine. "I'm not even sure if I want you to be seeing Holiday so soon after what happened. Seven's like a twig and you couldn't even defend yourself against him. What if Holiday wants to and you don't? Not even what if, what's going to happen when Holiday wants to and you don't? How are you going to stop him?"
           I pushed TJ off of me and stood up. "First off, you have no right to tell me what to do. Second, why does everyone make Holiday the bad guy? He'd never do that to me! He's not that type of guy!"
            "I'm just looking out for you!" TJ pleaded.
            "Well don't do it like that. I told you about Greg, and you didn't care. You just brushed me off and look what happened."
            "So what is this? An eye for an eye? Are you going to spite yourself just to get back at me?"
           "I'm not spiting myself! I can look after myself just fine. I can do it without you, TJ."
            "Just like you did it last night?" TJ snapped. His hands were gripping the edge of the sheets and his knuckles turned white. His eyes were glassy with regret, but they still burned with too much pride to ever try and say sorry.
           Ever since TJ came out, our relationship has been rocky. Before he came out, I depended on him so much because I had no friends and he was Mr. Popularity with girlfriends and cool best friends. I admit I felt jealous because they took up so much time with TJ, we never got to do anything. Then when he came out one of his friends dropped him like homosexuality was contagious and the other moved away. And while I gained friends, TJ was all alone and got hurt because of his relationship with Greg. Now TJ was the one who should've been jealous, the one who should've been relying on me. Not fighting to keep a rein on me.
            "Sometimes, you make me hate the fact that you're my brother." And then TJ really started crying. Not that kind of crying you learn how to do, that silent crying with tiny tears that barely make it down your cheeks. He was crying like he was about to hyperventilate. Tears streamed down his face and he was completely sobbing. He was swearing at me and hitting me, until he pushed me outside of the room and slammed the door behind me.
            And then it hit me. This was the first time either of us had ever said anything like that. No matter how bad the fights got, even in the fist fights we had never said anything like that. TJ's never told me he hates me or vice versa. No one ever says things like that in this house.
            It didn't matter if I ran back in there and begged for forgiveness. TJ would accept it, but he would never forget it. Because even though I know it was hurtful and that I shouldn't have said it, in that moment TJ thought that I meant it.