What The Actual Fudge

Too

Too's problems started in middle school. As you might expect, her name led to many, many jokes that she didn't really appreciate. In fact, if she had to say what word she used the most, it would be a tie between "wow", "never", "heard", "that", "one" and "before". This is, of course, because when I say "many jokes", I mean the same three over and over again.

There was one particularly traumatic moment that happened in the spring of Eighth Grade.  Her class had a substitute teacher, and while that alone proves how horrible this experience was, there is more to the story. You see, this sub (named Mr. Malack) wasn't exactly the brightest. Once again, this doesn't make him stand out from other subs, but I digress.

The day that this happened on was a day that the class was going on a field trip. This was to a local mountain, where they were going to observe natural geology. Too found this subject very boring, and was having a miserable day. It was also very hot out, and with all the water she was drinking (be sure to hydrate, kids!) she had to go to the bathroom. About halfway up the mountain, Mr. Malack stopped mid-ramble to ask a very important question.

"Anyone need to make their bladder flatter at this here lavatory?"

"I do!" Piped a boy by the name of John. He was an extremely annoying child.

After asking John for his name (for attendance purposes), Mr. Malack asked, "Anyone else?"

"Me!" Too said. To make the sub's life easier, she answered his upcoming question. "Too."

"That too was unnecessary, and anyway who is 'me'?" The grammar-correcting teacher asked.

"Too. My name is Too."

"This is no time for jokes young lady"

"You don't understand, that's really my name, short for..."

"If you can't be serious, you clearly can't have to go too badly." And with that, Mr. Malack walked towards the bathrooms with John.

But all of that isn't the worst part.

Without the trip to the toilet she desperately needed, Too ended up peeing her pants. In front of all the other Eighth Graders.

But that isn't the worst part.

Too was overcome with embarrassment, and fainted. Off a cliff.

But even THAT isn't the worst part.

At the bottom of the cliff, Too went right through a Random Portal to Hell.

Now that's the worst part.

The first thing you should know about Random Portals to Hell (RPH's) is that they are, surprisingly enough, not so fun to go through. While not explicitly painful, they involve being set on fire, being repeatedly impaled, and being forced to view dead memes. Terrifying just to think about, right? I mean, what else do you expect from The Devil himself, but still.

Too, as you may remember, was unconscious at this point, and as such didn't see the horrors of the portal. And she had a very rude awakening when she hit the floor. Looking around, she quickly discovered she was in Hell. Thinking about all that had happened, she figured it was likely she had died. It is important to note here that she never questioned the fact that she didn't go to Heaven.

Soon, Too was approached by a demon. This one was essentially a giant fanged mouth, with arms and stubby legs attached. It asked her, in a surprisingly high and nasally voice, "Do you know how you got here?"

"Well, nerd demon, I figured I died and ended up here." Too replied, rather unfazed.

"I suppose I should, uh, explain then." The creature tentatively continued. "You, well, you fell through an RPH."

"A what now?"

"A Random Portal to Hell"

Too sighed. This kind of thing was just her luck.

The demon continued. "You should probably go see The Devil, and get this sorted out. Follow me."

Although somewhat hesitant to meet The Devil, Too figured she had nothing better to do, and followed the nerdy monster through the red streets.

A few minutes/hours/decades later, the odd pair arrived at the front door of a huge red mansion. It was actually a pretty nice house, considering most animal species in the world were represented by at least one skull hanging off the walls. A bright green doorbell protruded from the doorway. The demon rang it.

The voice of a middle aged man called out from above. "Who is it?"

"It is I, Tiprabydefromiethyrex. I have a girl who fell through an RPH." He turned to Too. "Yeah, that's my name, but most people just call me Tip."

After an incredibly awkward silence, the same voice from above said "Alright. Come on in."

The black door swung open, and Too and Tip entered. As they walked up a wide stairway with blood colored/stained carpet, Tip said?  "Well, what's your name then?"

Too had been hoping he wouldn't ask this question. "It's Too. T-O-O."

"Your parents named you after a word?"

"Two words, actually."

This was Too's least favorite part of meeting people.

"My full first name is... is... Tooth Fairy."