I jerk awake after an awful nightmare. One worse than the screaming girl in my mind. One far worse than that. I dreamt that Mark went to hit me. Of course he wouldn't do that. He's my Mark. He doesn't go to...
But he did. The longer I lay here, the more each second of the traumatic event burns into my skull. The horrors of that fist pulled back, intent on causing me harm. The look in his eyes, that pure, uncensored hatred. All directed at me. Nothing will ever rid me of that look. I'll be haunted by him forever.
Long gone are the days where he told me he loved me. The nights filled with his soothing lullabies are a thing of the past. No more will I be able to bounce into his bedroom, Ginger in my arms, longing simply to exist in his presence. Lasagne, nose strokes, knee tickles...butterflies. Gone. All gone.
I feel cold. And empty. What's the point in existing without him? I didn't realise just how dependent I had become on the fact that I call him my boyfriend. Did call him my boyfriend. But I was completely and utterly reliant on that label that he'd placed on himself. And now that he's torn himself away from me...well, what else is there worth living for?
Soft snoring brings me out of this pit of misery that I'm rapidly falling further and further into. And that's when I remember what the rest of the evening presented me. Danny. He became the new Mark. Lulling me to sleep, comforting me when I needed him the most...
Kissing me.
Something that should have been so wrong seemed somewhat right. I mean, it didn't feel the same as kissing Mark feels. Nothing will ever feel that good. But I think it was okay. My emotions were running pretty fucking high last night. For all I know, I could have just made up enjoying his kiss just to ease the pain. But I don't think my mind is capable of something like that. I'm broken, and I know how I feel. At all times.
And I enjoyed kissing him. So...maybe now Mark is out of the question...Maybe it's time he took his place.
I turn myself over, ready to huddle into his arms. But to my surprise, he's right on the other side of the bed. Well, that's going to have to change. If he's going to be the new Mark, then he's got some things to learn. And keeping hold of me whilst I sleep is one of them.
I push myself up and over him, preparing myself to cuddle up to him. But, of course, my foot is tangled in the sheet that came off the mattress in the night. And I'm halfway over him. Bloody brilliant. As I gently shake my foot, I realise that nothing is happening. So the shaking gets stronger. And stronger. To the point where I'm outright cursing at the stupid bit of material that's determined to remain latched onto my body. It takes a hard kick to loosen it, and I can't help but shout out in triumph. Now...back to my mission. I turn my head back in the direction I'm going...
I've woken him. Eyes wide, staring at me like I'm a stranger. His body is twisted weirdly as he remains in his original position, yet at the same time trying to figure out what I'm doing. I can only imagine how bizarre this wake-up call would be. Never mind. I want a cuddle.
I flop the rest of my body in front of him, nuzzling my face into his chest. He smells different to Mark. He wears a different aftershave. I'm not sure I like it. But I can sort that out when we get home. I'll get Glen to help me find Mark's aftershave in a shop. And I'll get Danny to wear it. Perfect.
“Alex?”
His voice is hesitant and I feel it vibrate in his chest against my ear. Along with his heartbeat that's getting a little bit faster. The one that beats the wrong way. I wonder if it's possible to teach it to work the right way. I could do with it beating in Mark's rhythm. That would just be amazing.
