“Tell me a secret.”
The statement is quiet, but still manages to drag me out of whatever thoughts I was having. Granted, they weren't as important as whatever Mark has to say. But it's still a shock to hear the question considering how the last couple of weeks have gone.
We're back in London. Back to the real life. But things have changed so much recently. Mark and I are no longer at each other's throats. We're no longer edging around each other, trying to skim past our feelings. Everyone is out on the line, bared for everyone to see. And it feels so amazing.
No one knows we're having sex, mind. Well, apart from Danny. But Mark doesn't know that. As far as he's concerned, our game is still on. And that makes all of this a million times better. Sneaking off into his room when we're alone, keeping our voices down when we're not. Yes. This is liberation at it's finest.
And liberation comes with it's prices. We're getting closer. Not that it's a bad thing, of course. It's just strange. We're telling each other things that we haven't done before. A couple of days ago, I told him about my time on the streets. That was a strange turn of events. One minute, I was kissing him. The next I was spilling out the story, seeing the love in his eyes as he found out something about me that he didn't know before. That's the biggest thing about me, and now he knows.
“Tell me a secret, beautiful.”
Back out of my thoughts again. It's so easy to get carried away. But that's what he does to me. Makes me over-think everything. And it's what I love about him...
“Alex.”
Shit. I turn my head to him, focusing on his perfect face in the dark. It's bed time, a time for sleep and cuddles and maybe some sex. But he wants a secret...
“You know everything.”
“I'm sure I don't. There's still so much to learn about you. I'm sure there's something you haven't told me.”
Well...there is. Of course there is. There's the little matter of the images that haunt me as I sleep. Those two little voices that scream, the little hands that reach out for each other in the dark. Never going to grab hold, always destined to be separated. But...can I really tell him about them? Can I really bare that part of my soul to him?
“I'll tell you a secret in return,” he purrs into my ear. “Something that no one knows about me.” He pauses. “Well, no. Doc Hallet knows. But she doesn't count. No one important knows. So what do you say?”
His fingers absent-mindedly trace over my jaw, making my eyes flutter at the gentle touch. There's just something so special about this man that makes me simply unable to deny him anything. Whatever he wants, he know something good will come out of it for the both of us. And maybe having Mark know my secret...maybe he can help me somehow. Maybe, just maybe, he can cure me. That's worth the risk, right?
“Okay,” I eventually whisper, pushing myself up to a sitting position. I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell him.
He makes a happy little sound in the back of his throat, and I'm pulled onto his lap. I almost forget the reason I'm up here in the first place. Staring down at him, even though he's mostly in the dark, I see all the little things about him that I love. Will those things change though? Once I tell him, will he change into someone else? Someone who doesn't love me anymore? I don't know. I really don't know...
All I know is that right now, he's peering up at me. Eagerness and excitement on his face at the prospect of knowing the true Alex. And that's enough to give me the strength I need. Deep breath, Alex...
“I have nightmares.”
It's out. The secret is out. There's no going back now. I flick my eyes back down to him, suddenly aware that I looked away at the statement. I fully expect the look of shock and horror on his face. But that's not what I see. I see...disappointment.
