Blank Canvas [Wattpad Prize 2014]

[44]

Dear Anna, 

Why did I even bother buying you a present? Why was I so persistant on not cleaning out your locker? Why did I sketch pictures of you every night just to show you when you come back? Why was I so caught up with denying reality?  I've been making a fool out of myself for the past four months. I kept pretending that you were just temporarily away, you weren't gone, you weren't dead.

But the truth is, you were dead. 

Shit. If I haven't been so stupid, if I hadn't picked up that bottle of Jack Daniels and started gulping the entire bottle down, if I hadn't called you while I was drunk, you wouldn't have ran out of the house, 3AM in the morning to make sure if I was okay. 

And if you hadn't done that, you wouldn't be dead. It was all my fault. I took advantage of you, I kept thinking that since I was all you have, you would never ever leave me. And then I made you do all these ridiculous things for me. I made you put up with me for so fucking long.

You didn't even complain once. Sure we had fights before but you would always come back to me. We would still end up together after apologizing. But then I was so stupid, I drank and I drank and I drank that night. I was so fucking drunk, I didn't even realize that you were dead. I just went home and threw myself on the bed and slept for hours. 

The hospital called me the next morning saying that you had been in a bad accident on the way to where I was. I wasn't even fully awake then. I thought it was just a silly prank until the nurse told me it wasn't, you were dead. You were gone. 

I sped to the hospital immediately and I rushed to the emergency room. There you were, lying on the cold hospital bed with a sheet of white blanket over you. You had a bruise on your forehead and some on your cheeks and jaw. Your lips were cut pretty badly and you dislocated your shoulder. Your once light blonde hair was stained with blood. You were lying there motionless as I went over to your body and caressed your face softly. 

I broke down right at that spot. The doctors and nurses told me they did whatever they could to save you but your internal organs were bleeding, they couldn't do much at that point. I didn't give a damn about them, I just cried and screamed my lungs out. 

I can't see your beautiful eyes anymore. 

I can't admire your silver hair anymore.

I can't hold your hands anymore.

I can't cuddle with you in my bed as we both ate Ben and Jerry's anymore.

I can't have those little talks with you anymore.

I can't kiss you in the rain anymore.

I can't celebrate your birthday with you every year anymore.

I can't go to carnivals and circuses with you anymore.

I can't have lunch with you in school anymore.

I can't partner with you in art class anymore.

I can't go on dates with you anymore.

I can't paint with you anymore.

I can't draw anymore.

I can't do anything without you, Anna.

Why did I have to drink? Why did I have to call you? Why did you rush out to see me? It was all my fault, I'm so sorry, Anna. I'm so, so, sorry. I shouldn't have been your friend. If that hadn't happened, you could've been with a better guy who would truly love you like how I never will be able to. I'm sorry I've hurt you so much. 

I'm so sorry, Anna.

I really am.

And I miss you so much, it hurts thinking about you. 

You'll probably be very sad looking at me like this. But I can't live without you, hell, Anna, you complete me. I want you back, please come back. 

I'm sorry.

Connor.