guarding the heart

Chapter 18: Growth

Songs, songs, songs. Rachel thought as she scanned (again) her iTunes song list on her iPad. Songs about growth. Songs about growing for the summer. What would work? Really, what would work?

It had taken a while before Rachel decided the way she'd grown this summer was to not look at her future in black and white terms; instead, there were multiple shades of grey. Most of this thinking could be traced back to the conversation she and her dad had in New York. Although she had her dreams, goals and ambitions, now she was less certain which path she'd take to get there or even if she would leave the state at the end of the year. There was always the option of just taking a year off and maybe auditioning for some work around Ohio, though that certainly wasn't her first choice.

And what exactly did the future have in store for her and Finn? Unfortunately, she had no answers about that mystery. This week had been like playing a tug-of-war game with him. Sometimes he'd respond enthusiastically to her, enjoying hugs and heart-felt touches, smiling and holding each other's gazes longer than necessary. And sometimes, usually if she mentioned how she wished he'd have kept in touch more over the summer, he'd clam up and go back to being "Aloof-Finn". The logical side of her mind told her this was going to take time and effort, and she did understand that after all they'd both been through it was naive to think it could be solved quickly. But damnit, hadn't he read that letter? Didn't he feel that pull and magnetism between their souls? This would be so much easier if he'd just accept defeat, raise the white flag and surrender his heart to her. She was going to win it back, anyway; it was just a matter of time.

(Hopefully).

Sighing, she examined the iTunes list, her eyes reading the song titles and artists, her mind working at a frenetic pace to try and solve the riddle of this Glee assignment. Really, something like this should not be an issue for an aspiring Broadway actress. Any Glee assignment should have her able to choose the perfect song off the top of her head. It was the whole reason why she was so absurdly amused by the contestants on American Idol when they had trouble finding a song for the following week. Her songs to date were chosen inside the first twenty-four hours and then she had the entire week to practice and get it perfect.

It was now Thursday evening; more than forty-eight hours after the assignment had been given, and she still hadn't chosen a song. Thoughts of failing at Broadway were already flitting through her mind with annoying frequency. Her panic was rising. How could she not find a song? Already she'd lost hours of practice time! She scanned the list again for some of her favourites.

My Heart will Go On – Celine Dion.

No. Finn would be there and it conveyed the entirely wrong message. Finn was hers, or he would be even if he was too stubborn to know or accept it yet. She'd be damned if she was going to sing about moving on.

Vacation – The Go Go's.

While it did sort of reference her summer vacation, it didn't have much else going for it. If anything, going back to school and knowing Finn was safe was the vacation, not the summer spent apart when she had horrific dreams waking her up and giving her more angst than a Twilight novel.

Slave 4 U – Brittney Spears

Rachel shook her head at that song. They'd done Brittney Spears the year before and when she adopted the 'school-girl' look Brittney had in her video, Finn was less than impressed. Besides, the song was far too suggestive for this awkward stage of their relationship, if that's even what it could be called. Friendship? Best friends ? Yes, definitely best friends. They could still talk to each other about everything, more or less. Finn just seemed more...guarded?

Of course he's 'guarded'. He joined the National 'Guard'.

She chuckled at her own pun before sighing and clicking on a different playlist, but still nothing leaped out at her. Biting her cheek, she decided (finally) to take Finn's advice and clicked on the list of songs she'd purchased for him from some of his favourite bands. The problem was she bought most of these songs based on the excellent drumming so Finn could practice to them rather than choosing them for the lyrics; she didn't listen to each song. She scanned the list to see what all it entailed. Pantera (of course), Metallica, Van Halen, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Rush (a staple for every drummer, apparently), Avenged Sevenfold, Disturbed; nope, nothing was coming to mind regarding any of those songs and the theme of 'Growth'.