I Can't Take Another Disappointment- Ben Bruce

Not A Bulletproof Heart

There was a loud knock on my door and I pried my eyes open. My body was stiff and I stretched, trying to lose some of it.

"Ash!" Nikki barged in and I yawned. Suddenly, she began laughing. "Put some knickers on, you slut." She walked over to my drawers and threw a pair at me as I pulled the covers up.

"We're picking up Em in an hour." She reminded me before closing the door behind her. I rubbed my eyes and remembered last night.

I looked to where Ben should have been laying and felt my heart tighten. Where was he?

-----------

"Ashy!" Emily ran off from her group and straight into my arms. I laughed as I hugged her. "Hey, you. How was camp?" I asked as we walked to where Nikki was waiting with the car.

Emily began telling me the stories of her camp in gross detail as we got inside the car. She paused briefly so she could greet Nikki with an awkward hug from the back seat before she coninued.

We got home and Emily wandered off to her room to unpack. Nikki and I sat on the couch and she glanced at me.

"What's wrong? You've been acting weird all morning." She said, putting down her magazine and picking up the hot tea.

"Ben was here last night." I said sadly, rubbing my arm where he had done so last night.

"Why?" She looked at me confused for a minute, then her expression changed when she saw the first tear escape my eye.

"Oh, honey." She whispered and moved so she could hug me. We sat like that whilst I tried my hardest not to cry.

"I woke up and he was gone." I said, wiping furiously at my tears. I honestly felt like someone had come along and staple gunned my heart, then ripped them out and done it again.

"I'm going to kill him." She whispered more to herself than me. I chuckled. "It's fine. I've learnt my lesson." I tried to convince not only Nikki, but myself of that.

There was a knock at the door and Nikki got up to answer it. She returned with none other than three blindly intoxicated boys, Danny, Cameron and Ben.

"Look who is here." Nikki said unimpressed, her steamy glare directed at Ben.

I watched Ben laugh and Danny scooped Nikki up in his arms. "Dan, let me go!" She cried as he carried her off to the bedroom, no doubt in my mind to get on the nasty wagon.

Cameron collapsed beside me and gave me a big hug. He smelt strongly of vodka and cigarettes and I leant into him with a laugh. Such a strong scent of what would be considered a bad influence, but it comforted me a lot more than I had imagined.

"You boys are in absolute state. Emily's in her room, so best behaviour." I reminded them. At that moment, Emily skipped out of her room with a cheeky grin.

"Ashy, look what I made at camp." She said hello to the boys and handed me a piece of paper.

It was a drawing us of us. Of all of us. The setting was a picnic, there was our parents and the two of us.

A sadness tugged at ny heart strings but I gave her a genuine smile. "Beautiful. Go put it on the fridge." I told her and she ran off to do just that with a proud smile on her little face.

Cam nudged me. "You okay, love?" I nodded and he pulled out a flask, offering it to me. I shook my head. I was in no state to consume anything right night, especially with my little sister present.

Emily skipped over to Ben and she tugged at his hand. He knelt down and she whispered something in his ear, earning an amused chuckle from his chapped lips. He was in an absolute state, and yet he was still the most attractive being I'd met.

She tugged at his hand and he followed her back to her room. I assumed to draw or read her a story. I wasn't sure why she had taken such a liking to Ben out of all of the band. Maybe it wasn't a good thing either, since last night I felt like I was drowning. I knew this feeling would pass, but it had been so long since I had emotionally allowed myself to open up like that to somebody. Not even a day later and it was thrown back in my face.

Maybe I scared him away. Maybe I should have just sucked up the pain and pretended I had done it before. Maybe the connection I felt with Ben last night was imaginary, completely alive in my mind but not his. I was only another lay, just like the rest. Suddenly I felt dirty, as if the thought of lowering myself to the level of a groupie was like rolling in a puddle of mud.

Cam nudged me again and I lost my train of thought. "Let's go for a walk." He suggested, taking my hand and pulling me up. I sighed. "Cam, I really don't feel like going anywhere. Besides, I can't leave Emily in Ben's care." I smiled at him crookedly before he sighed and shrugged.

"Alright, but you're going to tell me what happened last night while Ben is preoccupied. It was his idea to get smashed tonight, you know. He seemed troubled." Cam said in a low voice. I frowned.

"I gave him my virginity and he pulled a runner on me. Why the fuck is he playing the victim card?" I snapped suddenly, surprising myself with how harsh I sounded. Cam frowned, his bushy eyebrows furrowing into a crease between his eyes.

"He never mentioned anything, just that he wanted to go to the strip club and forget about some stuff." Even though Cam didn't intentionally mean to, I felt the tug at my heart become an almost unbearable game of tug-of-war.

I burried my face in my hands and willed myself not to cry. It took all my strength not to. I was so bad that he wanted to forget it had even happened. What a slap to the face. No, more like a kick in the teeth, a punch in the eye, a stab in the back.

"Ash, don't cry. Ben isn't perfect, I know, nobody is. But you shouldn't let anyone get you down like this." I forced myself to nod but somehow I don't think it was so convincing.

Cam rubbed my back comfortingly. He was right. "You're right. No more letting Benjamin Bruce in." I whispered the last part.

I heard Emily laughing and I stood up, storming down the short hall to find Ben in Emily's fluffly pink scarf and star shaped sunglasses.

I didn't find it as amusing as Cameron did. "Ben, come help me with the tv." My voice was solid as brick and he took off the glasses and scarf before standing up. I looked to Emily who looked slightly confused. She knew something was up.

Ben followed me to the front door. He looked at me, confused. "I think you should go." I whispered. Where had my strong voice gone?

He frowned then scratched his neck, but didn't budge. "Do you understand English or is your only fluent language asshole?" There it was. I hated the way I was speaking to him, I never spoke like this to anybody ever. I felt bad but at the same time I wanted him to be upset, I wanted him to feel some of the pain he had caused me.

He looked me up and down, a now angry expression posessing his once endearing and quizzical features. "You were nothing but an easy lay, Ashlyn. I hope you know that." He spat, flinging the door open and leaving. I stood in a state of shock. I knew Cameron stood behind me but neither of us moved for a long time.

Suddenly small, warm arms were wrapped around my waist and I looked down at her. "Ashy, what's wrong?" She looked worried and I touched my face, bringing back a wet hand. I was crying.