I Can't Take Another Disappointment- Ben Bruce

Self Destruction Is Such A Pretty Little Thing

Where was I? I lost track of where my feet were headed, unsure of the time I'd spent walking around alone.

There was a familiar tall fence I was walking beside and I looked around. Here?

I swallowed and sucked in a deep breath as I opened the rusty old gate. I could hardly believe I'd found my way back.

The weeds she once kept away were now growing out of control in spiralling loops all over the garden. I remember how bright it used to be, filled with beautiful colours and life. Just like her.

The stone pathway lead me straight to the door, but I found it locked. Graffiti covered almost every square inch of the house, damaging the gentle and treasured memories I had of growing up here.

I was anxious to get inside so I stepped around the side of the house. There was a dusty old window that had been already smashed. I balled my fist into my jacket and pushed out the rest of the glass, climbing in.

My eyes searched the room. I knew I shouldn't be here, definately not. This was my old room. It was empty apart from litter and empty alcohol bottles. Rats scurried away in fright and I frowned. What had become of this place?

I wandered out of the dirty room and found myself in the hallway. Flashbacks of family portraits appeared before me and I gasped. It was almost real. Almost safe. Almost home.

It lead me into their room. I could see where their bed was, her dresser, his coat on the back of the door, the smell of her perfume filled the air and I felt the first tear escape my eye as the mirage disappeared and cruel reality replaced it.

I felt a stab of pain in my heart as I remembered what I tried so hard to forget. The scene that haunted our nightmares replayed in my mind for a millionth time, only it felt more real now that I was standing here where it happened.

"WHERE'S THE MONEY?!" Who was that? Why are they here so late? Why is he so angry?

I creaked open the door to peak inside their room. A tall man wearing just black stood next to my parents. My mother was sobbing as she clutched to my father tightly. She looked terrified, and fear struck my heart.

"In the safe," My father's voice was hoarse and low as he raised his hands. He walked to the closet and pulled out a small square box, unlocking it. He handed handfuls of cash to the man who yelled things like, 'Hurry up!' or 'Shut up and do what I say'.

Emily. Emily would wake any second if he got any louder. And she would cry. Then he would know.

My mother screamed as the man hit my father on the head. He fell to the floor with a thud and I gasped. "What was that?" The man looked around and I jumped up, running to Emily's room and locking the door behind me.

Emily groaned and rubbed her eyes as he banged at the door. No. No. I heard my mother screaming, her cries and pleads for him to leave us alone. Then silence.

He continued banging on the door and Emily ran over to me in tears. I ran to the window and lifted it open, ignoring Emily's cries. We had to get away. That was my first priority.

I lifted her out of the window and then followed her just as the door snapped open. I screamed and took Emily's hand as he reached out for me. I dodged his grip and we ran down the street crying and screaming for help.

An older women opened her door and called us in. I slammed shut the door behind us and locked it before I could catch my breath.

The women comforted Emily and called the police immediately.

"My parents, I have to go back!" I shouted to her. She shook her head. "No, it's too dangerous!" But I ignored her and was running out the door again.

Fear and adrenaline rushed through my veins and I gasped for air. "Mummy! Dad!" I screamed. Suddenly, I tripped and landed hard on the floor. I looked back and choked out a scream. 

My heart was racing and I couldn't breathe. I backed up until I hit a wall but my brain couldn't comprehend what the hell was going on. My head grew light as I tried to reach the next door. I couldn't see straight, my vision was blurred by tears but I managed to find the window in Emily's room again. Only this time, I was only saving myself.

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I was home now after my two hour walk from hell. The effects of the panic attack still had me itching and I felt sick to my stomach after reliving what happened so long ago, which made me literally sick. My head bowed over the toilet as vile rised in my throat.

I could barely hear the door and footsteps down the hall and into my room over my gagging and choking sounds. Tears stung my eyes from the pain in my burning throat.

"Ashlyn?" Shit.

Ben pulled back my hair and knelt beside me, obviously immune to the retched stench I'd produced.

I finished and stood up, refusing to look at him as I splashed my face and began brushing my teeth. He simply stood there watching me, waiting patiently for something I wouldn't give him.

He followed me out of the bathroom and I slipped under the covers in my clothes, too exhausted and drained to care.

"Ash, get into your pajamas. I'll leave the room." Ben says, throwing back the covers and setting them on my stomach. I sighed annoyed, but he left and I did what he said. It would be comfier.

I didn't tell him to come back in, but after a while he did without knocking. I was already half asleep when I realised he was climbing into the bed. It was infuriating but amazing to feel his warmth beside me again. "I hate you," I lied coldly.

His arm snaked around my waist and he pulled me closer. "No, you don't. But you should." He whispered, nuzzling his face into my hair. I would have cried, but the days events and especially my melt down were weighing over my eyelids and my body went limp with rest.

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What was that? My head turned and it was Ben laying beside me, his eyes closed with sleep, his lips parted slightly. I was still mad at him, but it was hard to be when he had stayed all night for a change and when he looked so peaceful next to me.

I shifted and laid on his tattooed chest, letting my hand fall over where his heart would be. It beated at an even pace under my palm and I smiled, wishing every morning would be like this.

Suddenly, he shifted and his arms stretched out. He let out a small groan and pried his eyes open to look at me. Did he always look this adorable in the morning?

"Morning," He whispered, his arm slumping over my body again as he closed his eyes. "You stayed." I whispered, more for my benefit than his. He nodded a little and reached up to kiss my cheek.

"Didn't feel like I should leave." He explained simply and I was taken aback.

He stayed.