Last night I told you
I was struggling
with the fact
that we exist,
we breathe
and we are alive
and we EXIST
and how can we go
from that
to nothing
one moment we are here
and the next we are not,
what comes after that?
is that it?
is that all there is?
how can we exist
and then be nothing?
how does that happen?
and how terrified i was
at the idea of that
that i had thought about it
for half an hour in silence
staring at the ceiling
contemplating how unreal it is
that we are here
and are very real
until we are not,
and you told me
that you believe
we immediately start the next life,
we are here,
we live,
we are born
and we die
and are born again,
you told me in stuttered words
"maybe, for instance-
we are soulmates-
no, i..
i think we are soulmates
and that's why we feel so strongly,
we were soulmates
in the life before this one
and the life before that,
we will be soulmates in the next one,
and we keep finding each other.
i think that's how that works."
and suddenly i wasn't so scared
i was in awe
of learning something about you
of listening to you talk
and remembering
the first time you said i love you
and the few moments after that
apologizing profusely,
and then the second time you said it,
promising you meant it
time and time again
until the night you didn't know
and i hated drinking with you
and i wondered
if this was really what it would always be for me
of course it would,
and then the third time you said it,
except you hadn't but i knew,
i knew from the second
you were staring at me
in the middle of the kitchen
with music playing
as i was making dinner,
your arms around me
and a look on your face
that said you knew something
for the first time,
but it wasn't the first time
and you were scared
and you were hurting,
and four days later
when you took my hands
and told me you loved me
and meant it every time since
and that's what that meant to me
it was your fear all over again
promising that you loved me
and would continue to love me
through this existence
and the next
finding each other
through swallowed fire
and never knowing what was coming next,
this was believing something
and following a feeling
you weren't sure was even safe
until there i was.
existing for the very first time
waking up to something
so real
and so vital
and knowing i couldn't stay away.
it is scary
and it is breathtaking
and it is everything
i could want
and more
and i am terrified
of what comes next.
you are here
and you exist
and after that
you will again and again
and i will be right there with you
