It's difficult
to put something into words
when it's already been said
a million times over-
"I think a lot about killing myself,
not like a point on a map
but rather like a glowing exit sign
at a show that's never been quite bad enough
to make me want to leave."
And when I did try,
I was given a new map
and new exit signs
and another chance.
After that,
it was like I was a new person
driving a brand new car
exploring brand new places
when really
it was like I was seeing
for the first time
but nothing had changed.
It seemed
like things were getting better,
and then they weren't.
I just have
really good days
that never last
but are somehow enough,
and I'm terrified
that I'm not gonna care,
that I'll try again
when I'm trying so hard
to choose good things
do good things
be good things
I'm trying so hard
to remember that the good days matter
that someday
the bad days won't be so prevalent
reminding myself
of every reason
I have to live,
but fuck,
I am so scared
that it won't matter
I don't want to go over this edge
but I don't know
if I can pull myself up
or hold on long enough
for help.
