The Lesbian in Black

|THREE|

*Unedited

The Lesbian in Black 

|THREE|

I was dreading the minutes to Lunch.

I didn’t want to go to the girl with those mismatched eyes and hear myself have word vomit after word vomit spew out of my mouth as I try my best to apologize. I tried giving myself a pep talk that I could do this. I was a strong girl and could overcome any humiliating moment but then a tiny voice would speak up and tell me that I couldn’t come out of this triumphantly when I have no idea what I’ll do the next time I see this girl.

Jacen didn’t help at all in calming down my nerves.

All he did was laugh and laugh and gave me a detailed description of what would happen if the girl actually put a restraining order on me. Little part of me believed him that she could actually do that - I mean, who wouldn’t? If someone bumped into me and strangely touched my lips with their fingers, I would freak out and want that person to be hundreds of feet away from me. 

I groaned quietly as I latched my teeth around my fist, staring at the clock above the white board in fear. Only five minutes left until class was over and everyone headed out to the cafeteria. All the nerves wracking inside of me was making me lose my appetite for whatever was the menu today. I kept picturing me as Stan from South Park barfing on the girl as he barfs on Wendy each time they tried to kiss. 

I didn’t want to be the laughing stock who couldn’t even say hello to a girl. Why did I have to be so nervous for crying out loud?! She was just a girl. Another student who walked through the same halls and lived in the same town. She was just another ordinary girl. Yeah, that was it. She was normal like me.

I kept repeating those words to myself. A mantra that would shatter in the future.

As the bell rang and students began to pack up, I took my time to put everything away. Jacen hadn’t said a word as he waited patiently for me. He probably saw my hands trembling; the nerves that would calm down. I closed my bag and pulled the straps onto my shoulders, following Jacen out of the classroom. Each step brought another set of nerves wrecking havoc inside of me as I continued to take more steps closer to the cafeteria. Jacen hadn’t said a word but glanced at me every now and then. His arm brushed against mine almost as if the contact was a reassurance that everything would be fine.

As we followed the hoard of students to the cafeteria, I clutched my bag tighter. I don’t think I’ll be able to get through this. How could apologizing to a girl I bumped into and let’s not forget touched her lips like a creep be so hard? 

“You know,” Jacen began, holding onto the door to the cafeteria open for me, “you don’t have to do anything. You had apologized to her millions of times when you bumped into her. You don’t owe her anything.”

But I did.

I don’t know why I felt that I did owe her something. I couldn’t settle with just apologies I had mumbled when I bumped into her, dropping her things. I needed to show her that I’m not a stranger person who touches other people’s lips. I wanted to show her the normalcy that I had lived throughout my life. The least I could do was apologize for invading her space. 

Once inside the cafeteria, my eyes searched for the familiar girl with those mismatched eyes but found nothing resembling her or her silky blonde hair that would sometimes glow beneath the sunlight and her porcelain white skin looking smooth and vibrant. There was no awkward girl surrounded by many here. I looked out the window towards the same willow tree and spotted her. Without hesitation, I began to make my way towards the courtyard hardly saying anything to Jacen.