July 7th

May 29

The helpless feeling continued for days on end, and I was constantly trying to preoccupy myself with things to do, or I'd just get high or drunk to forget. I tried everything, but every spare moment I wasn't doing anything, I thought of her. It was getting to the extent where at times, I wanted to take my pocketknife and slit my throat, and just let myself bleed out in that alleyway. But, I didn't. I forced myself not to. But every so often, I'd take my lighter and burn my neck, arms, or hands in an attempt to keep the emotions from being too overwhelming. It didn't help, but I still did it, regardless. Now, I sat in the alley, hugging my knees tightly to my chest, thinking. The throbbing pain of the most recent burn marks, on my neck, not even bothering me at the time. I pulled the remainder of my money from my jeans pocket. I was running low on money by this time. All that I had was 2 dollars and a few extra pennies. I sighed, pulling out yet another cigarette. It wasn't much, but I'd run out of the hardcore shit. I heard voices in the distance, growing nearer. "You want me to let you use her?" I heard an annoyed male voice say. "You're fucking sick." Hearing this piqued my interest, and I listened in. "It's a lot of money. And it doesn't hurt you any. It's a good deal. Just take it." I heard another, more persistent male voice say. I could tell they were getting closer and closer to the alleyway, as the voices got louder the more this went on. "How about I add on an extra 50 bucks?" The same persistent voice continued. Then I saw them. They were still a distance away, at the very end of the alley, but I could still see them without them noticing. The annoyed voice belonged to a more athletic red-haired guy with brown eyes, and the persistent voice belonged to a scrawnier guy with pale brown hair and shamrock green eyes. I saw the more athletic guy grab something out of the other guy's hands. "Fine, whatever, but nothing extreme, got it?" He said. I recognized both of them from the school. I hadn't attended in a few weeks, since I ran away, but I recognized them still, as Akio and Damion. They were two years above me, and three years above Mika, and I also knew they were best friends. "Yeah, of course not." Damion replied to Akio, shifting the positioning of his backpack on his shoulder. "I mean it. If you take it too far, I swear I'll kill you." Akio said. For some strange reason, these words sparked something inside me. Of course he didn't mean what he was saying, just hyperbole, sure, but. . . I snapped out of my thoughts, returning to listening to the conversation. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, tough guy, I get it." Damion said, shrugging off what Akio had said. Damion ran off, yelling goodbye to Akio. After a few seconds, Akio walked off as well. I'm not sure why, but when they left, I felt a sort of happiness at the idea of someone being abused. A smile crept onto my face, and I chuckled to myself a bit.