July 7th

June 23

People are stupid. Their emotions always get in the way of everything they do. And, really, we're all just a bunch of assholes. Hurting people constantly, only caring about ourselves, and our own wants and needs. I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard soft sobbing sounds from a good distance away. I stood up, walking to the end of the alley, and peeking around the corner. I saw Alina, curled in ball, crying. I paused for a moment, wondering what to do. "Hey." I said, walking over and sitting next to her. I put my hand on her shoulder. "What's up?" Obviously, I already knew the answer, but asked anyway. "Get away from me, homeless freak." She yelled through sobs. I tried to conceal my anger at her comment. "Yeah, whatever." I muttered, standing up and walking back into the alley. At that point, I was just done with caring. I'd tried, so many times, but it was pointless. No one appreciated it, or even acknowledged it at some times. So, I was done. Done caring, done trying, done doing things for people who wouldn't ever do shit for me. I pulled out my lighter and my pocketknife. I held the small flame of the lighter to the pocketknife for quite a long amount of time, and waited for the blade to become burning hot. As soon as I thought it was hot enough, I dropped my lighter, and held the scalding hot blade to the palm of my hand. I stifled a scream of pain as I dragged the blade across my hand. It was getting harder. When everyone treated me like this, I really wanted to see someone seriously hurt, so, instead of hurting them, I hurt myself. I made myself bleed. I burnt myself, I cut myself, anything to keep me from hurting others. The blade cooled, and I held up the flame of the lighter to the blade again, cutting my hands and wrists again. I repeated this process, several times, hoping my want to hurt others would go away after time. But it never did.