Keeping Up With the Wind: A 'Burban Tale by Suleyma Moon

9.

            When I drifted back into consciousness, I heard the boys talking before I saw them. Jay sounded a lot more sober than he had before.

            "And you let him do that?" Shadow was no longer sitting beside me, but across the room on the stairs.

            I looked down and noticed that my shirt was buttoned back up. Briefly, I wondered if it had ever been unbuttoned. Li'l Jay was sitting on the floor. He looked like his high was coming way down. Poor kid, I knew that he must have felt terrible enough without Shadow yelling at him.

            "I didn't know. I was..." his voice trailed off guiltily.

            "I know what you were doing Li'l Jay. I just can't believe...damn!" Shadow smashed his fist into the palm of his hand.

            "Look," Jay said, trying to make things better. He dug into his pockets. "I took this off that son of a bitch when I kicked him in the head." He smiled triumphantly.

            "You don't even understand." Shadow shook his head sadly. "What's the matter with you?" His rising voice was making my headache worse. "I wish I could just shake some sense into you, but even then you still wouldn't have a clue what you're doing to yourself and everyone else!"

            Li'l Jay jumped up and argued in his own defense. "Hey! You don't know me, maaan!" I never said it was a good argument. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

            "An older version of you," Shadow answered, even angrier than before. "Look, in the two and half years that I've known you, I've seen your ass go from cool little kid to...me! The only difference is that you have no idea what you're getting yourself into." He shook his head sadly. "No idea."

Shadow paused for a minute, trying to decide whether to stop talking before he said too much. Then he went on anyway, quietly, almost ashamed.

"Everything you guys ever heard about what I used to do is true." He looked at me. "Everything." Then he looked back at Li'l Jay. "I guess...I was just tryna...start over, you know what I mean?" He sighed deeply. "But the thing is, you really can't change who you are." He made an earnest gesture from his heart to Li'l Jay. "Look, li'l dude...you can't change who you are either. You're a really good kid. I don't care what anybody else ever says to you. Just know that you are. You're a really great kid, man. Always know that. And if you would just stop smokin' that shit, Jay, you'd be...unstoppable. You could do anything. You can be anything you put your mind to."

Shadow stopped talking and abruptly looked away when his eyes started to glisten.

Jay looked away, too, and started pulling at a piece of thread hanging from his sleeve. When he was finished with that, he started picking stray lent out of the carpet.

Shadow just sat and watched him for the longest time, like he knew exactly what he was looking at, and what he was seeing was hurting him to the core. 

When he was finally able to speak again, Shadow leaned forward and gave Li'l Jay a tired, steady gaze.  "You don't want to be this, Jay. You just don't want to be this, man. Trust me."

            "Don't want to be what? I don't even smoke like that," Li'l Jay argued, trying to tear his own attention away from the loose fibers in the carpet. "I ain't no crackhead, Shadow. Fuck you! That was only one time!"

            "One time and look what happened!" Shadow sat up straighter. "What you need is an ass whuppin,' li'l homie."

            That was my cue. I sat up, too, because right then me and Shadow were on the exact same page. Li'l Jay did need an ass whuppin'. A real one. Not just some random beatdown like the ones he got at home, but some for real, true from the heart disciplinary action. In my blurred state, I was all for it and wholeheartedly volunteered my services.