At His Feet

August 3, 2017: Love and Forgiveness!

Hello again friends! I am back! No, I haven't stopped reading my bible or spending time with my God and Savior Jesus Christ. I've still been reading and sitting at His awesome feet to listen to His words of truth. Truth is, I just haven't been writing much on here. I'm sorry for that you guys. Lately, God has been opening my eyes to various things and it got to the point that I've spent days grieving...by the time I was done grieving my eyes were just wow...really puffy and baggy. However, I am very grateful for the lessons and experiences God's been teaching me and for the opportunities that He's given me. I've come to realize some important things on this journey and will most likely realize a lot more in the future. 

Psalms 25:8-10 says "The Lord is good and does what is right; He shows the proper path to those who go astray. He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them His way. The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keeps his covenant and obey his demands."

On this journey this hits me because God has been teaching me and leading me with unfailing love and faithfulness (not to mention with never ending patience!) what is wrong in my life, the sins in my life and things that holds me back from growing. He's been showing me how to grow and what I need to do to grow and throw off the baggage that keeps me weighed down.

God's been humbling me, shaping me and positioning me in a place of humbling so that I could hear Him and obey finally! 

I was being a senseless horse that needed a bit and bridle to be controlled.(Psalms 32:9) I was disobedient and avoiding the things I needed to confront in order to grow. I was letting my baggage and past baggage keep me in this cycle of sin and what more...I did something really horrible. I made an idol out of someone and I didn't even realize it until God opened my eyes to it. 

My heart snapped when I realized these things...I knew never to make an idol out of someone or worship or pray to any idols but I never realized when or even how I fell into idolatry. It was because I let my past and my fears and worries control my every move. I let this obsession with wanting to be perfect and wanting "love" affect my relationship with God. 

It's hard to explain really but it's like this: Growing up, love was a warped concept to me. With my dad, I thought I had to be talented and perfect and smart just to get acknowledged. I grew up with the mentality that if I'm not good enough then my dad will never love me...I looked around and saw that he complimented other kids or "cared" for them when they cried but when I wanted that, there was always some sort of flaw to what I did, how I walked and how I talked. There just always seemed to be something wrong with me that got pointed out and crying was not an option in my home. My dad wanted my siblings and I to be prepared for this tough world and the disappointment and pain it brought on. He didn't want us to drown and tried his best to teach us to have hard skin. My dad's heart was in the right place but his methods were wrong. I grew up thinking that I couldn't trust anyone or let myself be loved by anyone because everyone will let me down, they will disappointment and hurt me. I thought to never cry or complain or ask for help meant strength but it turned out to be weakness. To think I could do everything on my own and carry other people? Not going to work!

Yet I never spoke to my dad about this for years. I let the pain he inflicted to simmer and grow in my heart. I nursed it and wouldn't let anyone touch it because it hurt too much and it scared me just how dark and angry it was. When I accepted Christ into my heart and life...I thought I forgave everyone and even my dad. I thought I could just forgive on the inside and not have to confront the people but it was wrong. Love prevails when a fault is forgiven but holding on to it separates even the closest of friends and also confronting the person that hurt you is important too. It helps release that person from the debtors prison and it also releases you from their control.

In my case, I stopped worrying about what that person thinks or how that person sees me. I stop lying to that person face about how I feel and I'm able to grow and not let the mere thought of that person get the best of me. I can smile at that person and truly wish them well. That obsession fades away.

I hope I am making sense.

I am able to focus on God and really grow now. God has given me the strength to deal with my issues with my dad. God gave me the courage and strength to actually talk with my dad about these things and also confess the things I held tightly. Because of that...my heart feels light. 

It's like it says in Psalms 32:1-2
"Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!"

Once I realized my sins and issues, I confessed it and God forgave me and showed me how to get out of the sin. David's words rings so very true. What joy it is to be forgiven; whose sins God has cleared! I feel light on the inside, maybe giddy. I'm still going through some troubles but I have this feeling in my heart that a fresh start is here; I'm ok and that I can truly grow now. It feels like a new spring (as cliche as that sounds) a new beginning with new opportunities. I feel overwhelmed and like dancing despite the fact that I can't dance to save my own life. I feel cheerful and able to hum and just smile even when there's trouble still and work to be done. I feel joyful at heart and I want to keep growing and not lose the lessons I've been learning. 

So here's what I learned and I hope you all will take this at heart too.

Do not be stubborn like me. Go to God while there is still time and ask Him to show you what is wrong in your life, press in and cry, read His words, and keep seeking His face. Ask God how to get out of the wrong in your life, how to confront the things you are holding onto. Give it to God and let Him lead you. Don't avoid the issues like I did, it only leads to trouble. Confront them and deal with them whether they are people or not. If you need help, ask God for help and to lead you to a group of people or people that you can trust to help you with the issues in your life. Confess your sins and accept the forgiveness God gives you through His Son Jesus Christ. Don't hold it off!

Father God,

Thank You Lord for humbling me and bringing me to the position where I could hear You and obey what You say. God, I thank You for pointing out the sins I was living in and just avoiding and thank You for giving me the strength to deal with one of the biggest issue in my life that I once thought I would never have to courage to confront or even wanted to confront. God, my heart feels light and secured, like You have refreshed my spirit and renewed my strength. The tears and heartbreak was worth it because now I can grow in You and follow You no matter what. God, Lord Almighty, I pray for those who are stuck in the sins not yet known to them and for those who are stuck in fear and it hurts too much for them to confront the darkness in their own hearts. God, give them the strength to face the darkness; help them to bring it all to Your wonderful and awesome light so that clarity and love and forgiveness can prevail. God, bless them in their seasons of growth and give them the strength to never give up, in Jesus Christ Holiest and Awesome and Mightiest name, Amen! 

-Candy.