Okay, got it again. In this dream Jim's not Jim. He's Ben. But not my Ben. This one explains:
„The story I'm writing is called „Riders on the storm". It's about destructive relationships."
He's tapping his thighs to the beat of his song. I laugh. No...
„Nope, nope, nope. This looks dull." Lynn murmurs and shakes her head.
I meet her eyes in the mirror and give her a duckface. She giggles, than lifts the wig carefully and I sigh.
„Okay, show me the next one. But as I told you, I don't care to run around like Skinhead O'Connor if they all suck."
„No way! Your Mom will kill me! If I don't follow her orders she'll fire me!"
I smile.
„I can't risk this, you're right."
I try another wig. My hair has nearly disappeared during chemo as well as my eyebrows. I shaved the last strands off. Mother demands to skype with us twice a week to make sure I'm okay. She wanted to come with me to Switzerland but I succeeded in convincing her that the Dow Jones is more important than me. I did that for my own sanity, cause if she would be here my composure would soon be over. So she sent Lynn with me to be my private nurse. And I'm so happy that my best friend's by my side, the chemo is really hard. And I'm so far from home! However, it's healthy to be here, I'm fully abstinent. And I let Ben go. Finally. I don't know if it will all come back if I survive the treatment, but for the moment it's fine with me. And Jackson allowed me to skype with my kids, but I try to keep distance, because I don't want them to mourn me in the end.
„Nope, red's not doing it," I murmur an pull off another wig. „Isn't there one looking like my old hairdo?"
Lynn leaves and comes back with a black wig. Yes, originally my hairdo, sleek, long hair and straight bangs! I sigh.
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„Why didn't you show me this before?"
„Because I thought you'd like to try something different. Ya know, new life, new me or something like that. You abandoned your hippie name as well."
„I did, but I need a familiar thing from my old life to remain. Besides you, love."
Lynn hugs me tight.
„I love you Mirjam," she whispers.
„Love you too. And thank you for being here. Thank you for tolerating my ever changing moods, for cleaning up my puke and the toilet, even if we have janitors for that."
Lynn smiles.
„You're so funny! And you're welcome. I'm happy that you're feeling better today."
I sigh. Yes, on some of the days I feel like dying and the next day it's all fine. Not that I am superfit, but I have less pain. I grin: „Oh, me too! Let's buy the black one. And the purple wig, for my rebellious moods."
Lynn nods and leaves to pay while I try to get out of the chair. I take a glimpse in the mirror- I look exhausted. My cheeks are sunken in, bones piercing out. Not a beautiful view. But who cares? Destiny thought that my days of being a seductive woman are over, now it's time to join a convent. And I take it. I know, there are a lot of things that are more important right now.
