"I'm Sorry I Lied"

Part 6: Beginnings and Endings

You tossed and turned that night. It was impossible imagine your life without Dan in your life. You were just so lost in your own messed up mind that you were scared of yourself. You thought you'd never fall for Dan like that, but now that he placed that idea in your mind, you couldn't stop thinking about it. He was your best friend, he knew you better than anyone ever cared to. He knew the way you curl your lip when things confuse you. He knew the way you go outside and stare at the stars when you can't sleep, because at least you're seeing something beautiful. He knew the way you tried to love yourself but still hated yourself on deeper levels. Romantically, if you weren't so convinced you'd ruin him, you would love to be in a relationship with him. He already loved you. You already knew he wouldn't just want sex from you...

You found yourself at your window, looking at the stars. You just then realized, you had never answered the blonde boy. You picked up your phone and set the brightness down to send a quick apologetic text.
You- Hey, sorry about the super late response, kinda ran into an issue last night.
You locked your phone, and your mind started to wander to romantic thoughts of Dan. This utterly surprised you. You started imagining him kissing you, laughing and cuddling with your favorite wine, you imagined re-introducing him to your parents as your boyfriend and you imagined their smiles. You imagined waking up next to him, like you did just a few days ago, intertwined with him physically and emotionally...

You realized it. You loved him. So much that you kept yourself away from him because you don't think you can make him completely happy. You didn't push him away because you don't want romance with him, you pushed him away because you craved romance with him, but you didn't want to allow yourself the greed of having him. These thoughts flooded your head as tears soon appeared again at your cheeks. You needed to sort things out with him. The right way. No walls, no vague answers, no apologies. The only person that could help you was him. You glanced at your phone as you lay back down. 2:30 AM. You needed sleep. Fuck work tomorrow. You never called in sick. One day wouldn't kill you.

Strangely comforted by your confusing thoughts and your lack of control, and other general feelings of inconclusiveness, you soon let your powerless state reverberate in your conscious mind and body as you relaxed into your mattress. Your feelings were so complex that they exhausted you. One thing that was clear to you as you drifted off was that you loved Dan...

You awoke to your alarm, calling into work using your sleep deprivation in your Oscar worthy apology to your boss for the inconvenience. You went back to sleep for another few hours. You awoke the second time that day at 10:30. Dan probably wasn't awake yet. You made yourself breakfast and tried to calm yourself down as anxious thoughts replaced your romantic ones. Noon came not a moment too soon, and you texted Dan, asking if you could shoot over there to talk to him. He seemed confused, but he agreed. You were in a daze until you reached the door to his shared flat with Phil. You looked down at yourself before you took a deep breath and knocked. You were done hurting yourself.

Dan answered the door. "Don't you have your key?" he asked, a small smile forming even though his beautiful brown eyes were sad. "Yeah, I do, I just forgot, sorry, I'm a little all over the place," you apologized. "It's okay," he said leading you inside. "I take it you're here for a different reason than why I was at yours yesterday," Dan started, sitting on the couch in the living room beside you. You took a breath. "Dan, I love you." It came out. He sat and stared at you, dumbfounded. "I don't want to hurt you. I'd rather hurt myself by lying to myself than hurt you by being needy and hard to be with," you continued. Dan shook his head. "[Y/N], listen to me. I don't just want to date and fuck around with you. If you asked me what my long term plans were with you, I'd go as far as saying I'd love us to be a long term deal. I'd like to live with you and see you every day of my life, at the very least. I wanna fucking be able to give you the constant love and support you need, because there's nothing more that I love than seeing you happy. I don't know what it's going to take to convince you that I will never ever leave your side no matter what we are to each other—" his monologue was interrupted by your lips on his. That was all you needed. You believed him. You believed him because he was your best friend and he knows what he is getting himself into. He even wants to feed your needs in a way that some random new boy wouldn't understand. You understood that he wanted you. All of you.

Your lips disconnected and his brown eyes, no longer sad, pierced yours. He searched your face for approval of what you just initiated. "I believe you," you said. "So we're doing this?" he asked, a smile forming on his face. You nodded as he pulled you into a hug. Your hug turned into another kiss, which turned into the two of you laying on the couch, your head on his chest as he played with your hair. Nothing was too different from when you were friends. The only thing new was the incredible feeling in the room that you and this man love each other. Your eyes were closed as you allowed yourself the simple bliss. Thank god you didn't go to work today.