Dyed In the Wool

8

As we walked back towards the bus, Ryan's hand in mine, I thought about how this was going to play out.  Despite medical advice, I would have to continue working both the merch and the night gigs just for the few days I would still be on tour. Ryan would continue playing the rock star part even if, maybe,  his heart wasn't in it.  Essentially we would have to act like nothing happened.  Fuck that, I couldn't let that happen, not on my part at least.  I couldn't just pretend everything was alright.

My entire rational thought that I had created last night had vanished.  Whenever  I woke up, it was a new day and a new realization. A new thought process that was eerily similar to before my brilliant revelation, a revelation that I could not believe true today.  I didn't want to be a brave person, and overcome this, I wanted to be a coward.  I wanted to wallow in my misery, and be overly mad at myself.  I wanted to blame someone, and I was that person who had to take the blame. 

This was my fault after all, the entire situation I mean.  If I had just slowed down a bit, and tried to reel in the stress, I wouldn't have lost the baby.  Not just my baby, but Ryan's baby.  He was putting on a brave front, not acting like this is bothering him, but I know him.  I'm sure this loss was bothering him just as much as it was me.    

He probably blamed me, and he should.  He has every right to blame me.  I was supposed to protect the baby until it is born.  Of course, how was I supposed to protect it when I had no idea that I was pregnant. I should have known! How could I have put myself under that pressure? 

I know what the doctors are saying, an ectopic pregnancy.  They repeated the concept this morning with a new doctor, a new nurse, a new team. According to these expects, there was literally nothing that they or I could do to have kept this from happening so tragically.  No matter how many times they and Ryan said it wasn't my fault, I felt like it was.  How could I not?  I knew the concept, I could accept the concept, but just not now.

"You okay?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah." I lied, not looking at him.

"You know we can hide away for just a little bit longer, I don't have to play this afternoon.  We can just go away.  No one will judge us.  Hey," He said, pulling me into his chest.  "It's going to be okay Gemma."

I nodded, letting my arms lay at my side.  "Yeah, it's going to be okay." I falsely agreed.

He smiled sincerely as he released me, searching my face. "Okay, I am going to go and give Stan a heads up that you won't be able-"

"Ryan?" I asked, interrupting him, with no courage to look him in the eyes.

"Yeah Baby?"

"I think I need to check out for a bit."

"Yeah, of course.  I can get us-"

Shaking my head, I kept the tears away.  "By myself."

"Gemma-"