Not Leaving You Behind (Bucky Barnes)

Chapter 24 Glimpse Into His Heart

Currently you were in a meeting back in the bunker, the time for tears and reflection gone as you dealt with the new information being delivered to you. You were standing at Steve's right as he sat in the chair. Yours was empty, all your restless energy giving you the need to stand. Absorbing all the information you catalogued it away, glancing down at the pictures in Steve's hand, eyes flickering over it. You wanted to be prepared for this last fight, going after Schmidt.

"So, what are we supposed to do?" Gabe asked, holding the picture in his hand, "I mean it's not like we can just go knock at the front door."

"Why not?" Steve spoke up, making you look down at him, "That's exactly what we're going to do."

There was a moment of dead silence before everyone started talking at once. Steve sat back silent and looked up at you just as you looked back down. You could see the clarity in his eyes and you stared back, knowing he could see that you were with him till the end. Resting your hand on his shoulder he reached out, touching your hand briefly before you removed it. Once the pandemonium calmed down, Steve laid out his plan and once everyone realized it wasn't bad they were on board, ever able man going on to this battle. As everyone stood up the Colonel caught you eye before clearing his throat.

"Sergeant Cowan are you ready for this?" he asked, everyone freezing and staring between you and the Colonel, "Technically you still have 2 days left for bereavement leave."

"This is the most important thing for me right now Colonel and there's nothing stopping me from completing this mission." You said firmly meeting his eyes across the table, Steve standing behind you.

"Not for any other reason?" he questioned and you hid the rise of emotions behind your eyes.

"With all due respect sir, Bucky gave his life for this cause. If we fail we not only fail the Army but his death will have meant nothing. IF that doesn't keep me focused on this then nothing else will." You said softly, seeing him nod.

Turning on your heel you walked out of the room, already making a list of everything you needed. You had an hour before you needed to be on the plane and flying out of here. Going into your room you shut the door and after it clicked you froze, remembering immediately standing in here with Bucky.

"James Buchanan Barnes are you trying to fondue with me right now?" you whispered, the sound of your voice blending in with the dim lighting of the room.

"Yes."

Pushing past the ghosts lingering you walked in and stripped, changing into the clothes you had worn a million times on hundreds of missions. This time felt different and you didn't know why. Finishing quickly, you packed your bag and set it on the floor by your bed. Frowning you saw the corner of the filed you had stuffed under your bed sticking you and you pulled them out. Both yours and Bucky's were there despite having given his to him. Sitting on the bed you held it in your hands, torn between reading it and stuffing it back under there. Realizing he was gone you sighed, opening the folder and your heart stopped as you saw the letter sitting on the file, the loopy writing a little messy but oh so familiar. Picking it up with trembling hands you slid the file onto the bed, not longer worried about what it had to say. Carefully you unstuck it, pulling out the paper and unfolding it, bringing it to you nose and unbelievably catching the smallest whiff of his cologne. Your breath was coming in short pants as you looked down at it through tear filled eyes. Wiping them away your eyes hungrily began reading what must have been Bucky's last thoughts to you.

Kathryn,

Do you remember at the fair when they had the science fair section? I do because you dragged us to it, looking at the inventions of the future or so they called it. I just saw gross junk and old machinery turned into "miraculous inventions." You always had this sense of curiosity about you. Wanting to see everything and anything. If you're reading this then it means you still have it which for some reason makes me genuinely happy. Actually you in general just makes me happy. Your smile. The way you never back down from me. The smell of your hair when you walk by me, throwing me that look that I know is just for me. Your infuriating sense of stubbornness. God do I love you Kathryn. When I fell I'm not sure. I think it was in Brooklyn when you tore through that platform, those eyes searching the crowd for me. I watched you for a moment before walking up because I think I needed to just memorize you. The way your lips whispered my name, your eyes holding the desperation to see me. I felt the same way when I left you that morning back in Brooklyn. IN my bed, hair sprawled across my pillow. Or maybe it was in Germany, watching you fight alongside us despite what you went through. Your strength, and no not the strength you were given, I'm talking about the strength you were born with. Each time we go out I think 'Is this it? Are they going to win this time and take her from me?". IT never is. We always make it back. I feel like we always will. Like I said I don't know exactly when I fell in love with you but I'm damn glad I did. When I figure it out I'll tell you. We might be old and grey, standing in our kitchen with grandkids running around us (cause I don't know if I mentioned this but I plan on spending the rest of my life with you) but I will tell you. That's a promise. For the rest of my life, I'm yours.

All my love,

James Buchanan Barnes

Bucky

Holding the letter to your chest you squeezed your eyes shut, silent sobs wracking your body as you cherished this last glimpse into Bucky's heart at his love for you. The last silent I love you before he fell haunted your nightmares but the letter ripped open the fresh wound more and you could barely catch a breath. Taking a few moments to calm down you folded the letter carefully before sticking it in your bag, pulling out the picture of you, Steve and Bucky. Folding that you stuck it in the pocket of your jacket before walking out and heading towards the elevator. Memories of Bucky haunted you everywhere you went and you wondered if it was always going to be like that.

The doors closed and that was the last you saw of him. Turning you followed Bucky towards the plane where the team was waiting. Looking up you saw Bucky's tense jaw and you frowned, catching his eye.

"What?" you asked.

"Howard likes you." He stated shortly, making you snort with laughter.

"Howard likes everyone Bucky." You grinned, wondering where this came from.

"He pushed the button to the same floor he got in on." He remarked and you shook your head, knowing that sounded exactly like Stark.

"He's an odd one." You shrugged, "Why does it matter? You jealous?"

"Of Stark?" he snorted, throwing his bag over his shoulder, "Why would I be jealous?"

"I don't know."

"Well I'm not." He frowned, not meeting your eyes as you walked up, choosing to ignore it.

The doors opened to the hanger and you walked in, the large area holding the plane that would take you out of here. The odd feeling was lingering but you had no time to think as someone came striding from your left, stopping you from going any further. Howard stood in your path, a frown on his face and you looked up at him.

"I have something to ask you before you go." He said quickly, glancing either way before settling his amber gaze on you.

"What's that?" you frowned, his behaviour slightly erratic even for Howard.

"Don't go." He blurted out, making your mouth drop slightly, "I've had this terrible feeling all day and I know that's a completely ridiculous reason but I have to. Please don't go."

"Howard this is the last mission." You said softly, knowing that your friend was really worried about you, "Bucky gave his life for this. I have to."

"But you don't. They can do this and you can stay and be safe and Bucky will still know that you helped." He pleaded, grabbing your hand, "This feeling just won't go away."

Reaching up you threw an arm around him, holding him tightly. You were slightly startled at how tight he was holding you, his head pressed against the side of yours and you could feel his heart racing against his chest.

"Feeling or no feeling Howard I have to finish the job." You whispered into his ear, feeling him flinch, "I know that feeling though, I've had it all day too."

"Then don't go." He begged, pulling back and staring at you.

"I have to." You sighed, before letting him go and walking away, "Pray for me Howard."

"I'm not religious." He mumbled, hands shoved in his pants pocket.

"Neither am I but what can it hurt?" you called over your shoulder, before briskly walking to where the Howling Commandos were waiting.

There wasn't any greetings or moments of celebration as you walked onto the plane. Setting your things down you strapped in, glancing over and seeing the empty seat across from you. You made a small noise that Steve noticed, his eyes following yours and the pain flashing across his own eyes. Leaning your head back you settled in as the plane started up, waiting to take you to where the mission was waiting.