Dissociative Psyche ✦ J. Riley | ✓ [book 2]

12~ Stare Long and Hard

"When someone you love says goodbye you can stare long and hard at the door they closed and forget to see all the doors God has open in front of you."

~ Shannon L. Alder

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It was two hours. Two hours sitting on a hard plastic seat, drinking burnt coffee and overbearing air conditioning. Then it became three hours. Her bottom began to go numb, so she decided to take a walk around the halls, hearing the animatronic beep of heart machines and hoarse coughing. Her heart was in her throat the entire time, feeling as though it was about to come up at any moment and splatter against the floor.

Now, Jake had gone in to surgery over four hours ago, and there was still no news from the doctor. Jenna had cried, she kicked at the walls and sooner then later, she found herself staring at the blank periwinkle blue walls. Her mascara had run down her cheeks twice over now; the first time she cleaned it away, but the second time, she didn't really have a care. And now, she had no more tears left within her, just pure anger and a sinking feeling of defeat. 

She eventually found herself wandering through the maternity wing of the hospital. She stopped in front of a nursery, filled with what looked to be over two dozen cots, each with a beautiful new baby in it. They were either wrapped in a pink or blue blanket, and their names were written on cards on the front of the cribs. There was one in particular that caught her eye; Miriam Hirsch. Jenna let out a little gasp, trying not to think about the hardest day of her life. She was in a hospital, kind of like this. Actually, that hospital was closed now, ever since the outbreak two years ago. But even passing it on a drive, Jenna had to close her eyes just so she wouldn't have to look at it. Would this be the same case? If Jake didn't... would she forever keep her eyes closed?

"Are you lost?" a nurse suddenly came up to her. Jenna looked at her and gave her a friendly smile.

"No, I'm just waiting," she then turned to the babies, "They're beautiful," she said.

"Yeah. Times like this makes you remember what it's all about," she said, then she pointed to a child in the front row of the nursery, "We delivered Danny just five hours ago," 

Jenna smiled as she laid her eyes on the newborn boy, he was a tinted pink colour, with his eyes squished shut and snuggled up happily in the crib. She started to think about Jana; in just over a month, that would probably be her baby lying here.

"Are you okay?" the nurse asked her. Jenna looked at her, feeling the cool sweep of a breeze cross her cheek. Another tear streak.

"Yeah... no. What am I even talking about? Of course I'm not," she said, "I've been uprooted from my home, I've had to collude with the scum of the Earth. I'm in college and my dad is in a wheelchair. I'm trying to balance being a student and a mom! My friend died last Saturday and we buried him six hours ago! My boyfriend was shot in a drive-by shooting! How can I possibly be okay?" it didn't just stop there, though. Suddenly, it seemed every bad choice Jenna had ever made came flooding back to her like some kind of terrible nightmare.

"Do you need to take a seat?" the nurse asked her.

"No," she shook her head, "I need a reality check. I've been living in La La Land! I act like everything's okay, like Jake's going to be okay and save the day like he always does. And I keep turning a blind eye to it all. We're putting our pregnant friends and our handicapped family in danger; somebody threw a friggin' brick through my window! How can I possibly still be standing here, telling myself everything is going to be fine?"

The nurse stayed quiet for a moment, waiting for Jenna to continue to ramble again. When she was pretty sure she was finished, she spoke, "You feel better?" she asked.