She Dreams of Life

Rules to Life.

There are moments

When I am so painfully

Aware

Of the size of my jeans.

Or

When I make it clear

That I am a medium,

And tell them I like the extra

Room

When I need a large.

There are times

When I am so comfortable

With my body

That it is like

I don't even have one.

It isn't until the morning,

When I am dressing,

And I think of all the stairs.

I think of the three floors,

Four flights,

And the six minutes I have to clear

Them.

It isn't until

I am in the hallways,

Where I am paranoid

That the laughing

Is directed at me.

Years of whispered words

Behind my back

Still follows me.

The days

Where I am not focused

On if this shirt is showing

My folds

Or if I am sucking in too much

Or not enough,

To the point where I can't breathe

Up the stairs

Are the days I like my body.

The days

Where I notice

How unfit I am,

Or that boys call me fat

And girls

Agree,

Gossiping

About my taste

In fashion

Only to be wearing it

Six months too late

Are the days I hate everything.

I don't ask

Myself what they think,

Because I don't think that hard in the mornings

I don't dress to

Impress

The beings that I disdain,

But I wear a scowl

On my face

Because giving them the finger

Isn't lady-like.

My ego

Grows

Taller

Than the

Amount of tacky boots

That they interchange

When I feel like

I shouldn't be wearing what I am.

Or when

I tell myself

That I could pull it off

If I was a couple of pounds lighter,

If I was thinner in the thighs

As the people on my bus used

To so kindly point out.

I have

Been fat-shamed

For being okay with my weight

Till they told me otherwise.

I have been slut-shamed

For being proud of what I wear

And who I am.

I have been shot down

For being too loud.

I have been called out

For not caring enough.

I have been heartbroken

Too many times

To count.

People have cruel mouths,

So I learned to be crueler.

I learned their tricks

And magic card games.

I played the players

Drove them out of their wits

When I realized how to win The Game:

It was to not care.

It was to jam headphones in,

Speak only to occasionally to tell them to shut the fuck up,

It was to keep my head down,

But to keep my chin up.

It was to smile

But glare.

It was to mind your own business

Because you are better off.

Rule number one:

You are always better off.

Rule number two:

Don't trust anyone.

Rule number three:

Don't give a fuck.