Sinister Kid

Fear Is A Liar

I entered the training room and the only thing my eyes could focus on was the climbing net.Everything started to spin and cold sweat started trickling down my spine.

Anxiety attack.Perfect.

The one thing I wanted to do most now was scream and cry but it was also the one thing I shouldn't do.Maybe Alex is right.Maybe I'm indeeed weak.We are born weak.Some grow strong.And others remain weak.The thought of being included in the second category was unbearable.

Put on a brave face,I commanded myself.That's what dad would want you to do.

I am not afraid of many things,just heights and the death of loved ones.I am still getting over that second one.It's not how they present it in movies or on TV or in books.It's not how some people try to describe it to you.It's much,much worse.But,if you can't forget them,at least try to remember them in the best way possible.That's how I choose to remember my family:I do not think of the fear that ran through them during their final moments.I do not think of the times they made me angry or sad.I remember them for what they really were:Kind.Understanding.Funny.Loyal.Loving.

Brave.

Gregory walked towards me.

"So,you want to practice in knife throwing again?"

Alex,who was standing just a few meters away,lifted his head from his sword to stare at me.

"No."

Gregory was puzzled,I could see it in his eyes.

"I would like to try the net." 

I saw both Alex and Gregory's eyes widening in shock.Alex didn't think I'd actually do it.Gregory thought I was crazy.

"Alaska,no one ever tries the net.It's extremely dangerous,if you fall-"

"Yeah,yeah,I'll probably break everything." I made a gesture with my hand that meant "big deal".

"Well...Exactly!"

Alex didn't avert his gaze from us.

"Look,Gregory,just let me try it.I have nothing left to lose,do I now?"

I didn't wait to hear an approval,I just walked towards the intimidating net contraption.Everyone in that room,the four trainers and the three boys were all looking at me.I took a deep breath.My fingers closed around the entwined fibers and I placed my leg on the lowest part of the rope.

And then I started climbing.There was a change in my expression,in my whole stance.My fear was more of a fuel than a deterrent.As my hands grabbed one piece of rope after the other and my legs moved upwards,I felt the anxiousness mold into something more complex.The knot in my stomach loosened and my grip became more firm.Determination.

"Fear is a liar." my father's voice echoed through the past.

"I know,dad." I would reply everytime he said that,but to be honest I never understood what he meant with that.Until now.

Fear is a liar.

I know,dad.I really do now.

I heard someone cheering.Leon,of course.

"You can do it,Alaska!"

Spontaneously,I lowered my gaze towards him in order to give him a grateful smile.

Wrong move.I was way higher than I thought,about five meters above ground.I had just passed the middle.Yeah,this room was really high ceilinged.There was nothing soft to land to if I fell,just the cold,hard metal floor.Vertigo was setting in and I felt my grip around the rope loosen.I couldn't hear the voices of the people that were watching me,the beating of my heart was the only sound I could perceive right now.I was almost ready to let go and crash on to the floor.

"NO!" 

That scream woke me up from my trance and I clinged on the net for dear life.The most shocking part of it was the realisation that this sound escaped Gregory's lips.Always calm,reassuring,confident,balanced Gregory was scared to death because of me.I just pressed my body against the rope,still as a statue.

Fear is a liar.

Fear is a liar.

Fear is a liar.

I blocked every sound around me and focused on these four words.My whole life,everyone except for my family,would treat me as ordinary.Plain.Nothing special.A weakling.I knew most of those people that doubted me weren't there to see me,but there was just this one person:Alex.

This was the time to show them,to show him,that they were wrong all along.

With every ounce of strength I had inside me,physical and mental,I continued climbing.Never looking down.The floor and the people down there didn't exist anymore for me.The only thing I could feel and see and think of was the top.

And I reached it.I really did.

I won.

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I felt relieved when my feet stepped on solid ground again,but still that was the experience of a lifetime.It wasn't about the net or the bet or Alex.It was about me.For the first time I've arrived at this place,I felt happy.Like I stood a chance among the others.

Gregory ran to me and crushed me in a hug.Well,that was a little awkward.But nice.The other trainers congratulated me.I guess what I did was a pretty big deal,because no one had ever reached the top.

"The big guys are going to hear about this,absolutetly!" Alex's trainer,a middle aged man with warm features said to me.

I thanked them all for their words and then made way towards Alex.He was shaking.Apparently,losing is his second least favourite thing.I was the first,judging by the way he glared at me.

"So...I win."

"Seems so..."

I waited for him to continue his sentence.

"Well...No more mocking and irony and assaults for you,I guess.I won't even speak to you again.Those were the rules." he declared his defeat.

"Good." was the only word that came to mind,and I reached for my knives to start practicing with targets again.

"How did you do it?"

I turned around to face him.

"Just this one thing before we stop talking:How the hell did you not fall down?I saw your hand letting go of the rope.Do you have angels watching over you or something?"

My family was still by my side,encouraging me.Even after they were gone.

"Yeah.I guess so."