Bloom (Malec)

Drifted

I suppose I forgot how time seems to slow down in the hot summer sun. How hours can feel like days that slowly fade to twilight, but now, sitting in the senior's lounge at school, organizing things for the Winter Formal, I notice just how drastically things have changed. 

Time seems to be rushing by. The past 3 months have gone by so quickly it's as if they never happened. I frown down at the paper snowflake in my hand, wondering how I hadn't noticed it before. 

And between school, homework, student body president and graduation around the corner, I barely see Magnus. When we work together at the shop, it's not the same. He's not as joyous, more reserved from me. I hate the way that things have changed, but this is the first time I've ever cared about someone like this. This is the first person I've ever met whose had this hold on me, and I'm not sure how to resolve things. It just hurts to know that he's drifting away from me and I can't think of anything to get him to stay. 

The clunk of his backpack hitting the ground jolts me out of my depressing daydream and I turn, smiling at him gently. He smiles back, but it doesn't reach his eyes. It rarely does anymore. 

"Hey, you made it. How was English?" I ask as he slides into the seat next to me grabbing a pair of scissors and getting to work. He doesn't look up, but his tone is slightly detached when he talks. 

"I had Math." It's short and clipped and I bite my lip, looking down quickly. The space between us seems to span miles and not inches. I feel as if I'm not welcome to reach out and touch his arm, to kiss his cheek, to tell him I love him. I feel like we're not what we once were. Even if we've only been together a short 5 months, I can't imagine a life where I didn't have Magnus. It was so dull and lonely before he came around. 

"I'm sorry, I got your schedule mixed up," I confess softly, trying not to draw any attention from the other students in here. He mildly shrugs and stays focused on his task. 

"It's fine. You've been busy." 

"But I shouldn't be too busy to see you," I argue. It angers me that he's not letting me take the blame, that he's leaving me faultless in a situation where I'm clearly the bad guy. It's so much worse than him being angry. 

"But you are. So that's that." I stifle an annoyed sigh and sit back in my chair, dropping the snowflake and watching as it floats to the floor. 

"Do you want to grab dinner tonight or something?" I know it's a pitiful attempt at getting him to lighten up, especially when he looks at me with no amusement whatsoever. I hate it, the way his face morphs into something so lacklustre and dull. It's unlike him in so many ways. He's never been mundane, but now, it's all he is. 

"I think we should talk." And it's those words that make my heart sink because whatever he has to say won't be alright. It'll be him getting rid of me because I couldn't be there for him, couldn't be enough. And already, before he's even said a word, before we've left this room full of people, I hate myself more than ever. 

We make our way out to my car, sitting inside of it and letting the heater idle so we don't freeze in the cold November air. I stare out of the windshield, willing myself not to cry. Not yet, not while he's in the car with me. 

"Alexander, you know I love you," I can tell there's a 'but' coming and I clench my eyes shut, grinding my teeth and turning to look out of the window so he can't see how much this hurts. "But I think we're on different wavelengths. I can't make you happy, not when we're both so busy. And I've been afraid of this since the beginning, I've been terrified that our lives would catch up with us and we wouldn't be the same after summer ended. I'd just hoped I wasn't right." I swallow the tears and blink them away frustratedly before turning to look at him. 

"If you were so scared why'd you bother in the first place? If you knew how badly this would hurt?" Mags' looks down at his hands, folding neatly in his lap and exhales slowly. 

"Because I didn't want to waste the opportunity to love someone like you. I didn't want to miss the chance to show you what beauty really is." I choke on a bitter laugh and shake my head, sniffling pitifully. 

"You told me that this wouldn't be your first heartbreak. Remember when I said it would be mine?" My voice is weak and tired. I know I've given up because he has, and if he's not going to try for us, why should I? I hear him take a sharp breath at my words but I can't bring myself to look at him. "I didn't know it would hurt like this." The break in my voice sends me over the edge and before I can stop myself, I'm shutting the car off and getting out. I hear his door slam, hear his footfalls behind me, I can hear him calling my name but I ignore it, trudging through the snow to anywhere but here, hoping to outrun him, outrun this rush of pain that's surging through me. 

I keep running long after I can no longer hear him behind me, far out of school grounds until my lungs are burning. I collapse on the ground in front of me, noticing vaguely how I've made it to the park near my house. I must've been running a long time. No one is around, which makes sense since it's the middle of the day. I've never skipped school before, but then again, nothing has ever made me feel like this. I wish I never had to go back. 

My chest aches unfamiliarly and I can't help the sobs that wrack through my rattled rib cage. Everything is blurry and I guess it's due to the tears, but I just can't pull myself together. 

I look around me through the tears and see the sunlight filtering through the tall maple trees, casting sparkles of light onto the snow. And all I can think about is how ugly it all has become. How beauty will never be the same now that I've seen it, felt it, loved it. Lost it.