Bloom (Malec)

Hate to Love You

"You just let him break up with you?" Izzy asks, perched on my bed with her long legs stretched out in front of her. Jace rolls his eyes and leans back, folding his arms beneath his head.

"Of course he did. Look, Alec, you're really making it hard to believe you're the smart one in this family." Izzy laughs but I can't even find it in me to scoff. I'm wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket, shivering still from sitting out in the cold so long. I must've been out there for hours, considering Jace and Iz picked me up around 4:30, Jace having used his spare car key and traversed the streets near our home until they spotted me.

The bright blue duvet beneath me makes me feel sick. Magnus bought it for me as a gift when he found out I hated how boring my room looked, the dull black blanket in particular. I'd loved it, but now it just hurts.

"I didn't mean it like that, Alec," Jace begins but I just shake my head.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore." My words waiver with pent up emotion and the cold wracking my body.

"Okay, so we won't. But if you want to talk, just let us know. We hate seeing you like this, Alec." Izzy says soothingly, but they don't understand. Magnus meant so much more to me than just some boyfriend. I doubt I'll ever be ready to talk about it.

The day passes slowly. I skip dinner, much to my mother's chagrin, but I can't see her face. I don't want to see the smugness in her eyes that it went this way. In her mind, she can have her son back, but I won't be the same.

I sleep fitfully, tossing and turning throughout the night, waking myself up at random intervals as if to remind myself what I've lost. On Saturday morning, it feels as if I haven't slept at all. I groan, looking at my alarm clock and dreading whats to come. I work at 9 at the flower shop on Saturdays.

Dragging myself out of bed, I saunter into my bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I look horrible, hair a tangled black mess on top of my head, eyes dark, purple warm bruises shadowing the space beneath them from my sleepless night.

Once I'm showered, I don't look much better, carelessly styling my hair into disarray, pulling on a black pair of skinny jeans and an oversized grey sweater before I head downstairs. My father's careful eyes meet mine.

"Morning, Alec," he greets cautiously.

"Morning."

"Breakfast is almost ready if you have time to wait." As much as I'd like to postpone getting to the shop, I think staying here would be worse.

"No, thanks, I'm fine." He doesn't try to argue, instead just watching my back as I head into the garage.

I leave the radio off as I drive to 'Bloom', letting myself drown in the silence. The white streets are surprisingly quiet this morning, which means I'll be at work even earlier than before. I stifle a sigh as I pull into the parking lot, cutting the engine and stepping out into the cold.

Glancing through the glass front door, I see Magnus inside already, placing out a few new display bouquets in their baskets around the store. He looks tired, yet still effortlessly perfect. I hate how even now, he's the only part of this dreary world that I can find beautiful.

The bell chimes above the door as I walk in, running a hand through my hair to dispel any stray snowflakes. Looking up, his eyes fall on me, yet his face stays passive. I can feel the tension in my chest, the knot in my stomach that threatens to pull me into an anxiety attack like yesterday.

"Morning," he says statically before turning back to his work. I can't even say anything in return, instead heading into the back to begin my work.

The tension in the store is palpable, so much so that I feel unwelcome, as if I don't belong in a place that had felt like a second home to me for months.

The smell of the flowers, though normally intoxicatingly beautiful, threaten to choke me. The sound of his voice as he greets customers sends a pang of familiarity through my chest and I just want to scream.

I don't realize I've been staring at the same branch of lilac for several minutes until I hear him clear his throat.

"It's a slow day, you don't look so good. Why don't you head home and get some rest?" I shake my head, chewing on my lip to fight the tears. I want to refuse his offer because I can't stand to go home, but instead, I nod feebly and drop the soft purple flowers onto the table, standing up. I say nothing as the door closes between us and the bitter air surrounds me.

Sliding into my car, I test my grip on the wheel and slip out of the parking lot, turning the opposite way of home.

Instead, I head toward the edge of town, to a bumpy road in the trees, trying to remember just how to get there. By the time I make it to the path, the airs gotten even cooler with the clear skies and sunlight beaming down. The path is covered in snow, but I can see it's worn down slightly, as if someone was here.

Pushing the thought away, I lock my car, grabbing my spare jacket from the backseat first, and head up the path as I pull it around myself.

Without his obnoxious voice and sweet nothings, it feels empty here. Lonely in a way it never has before. Slowly, I make my way toward the clearing.

The lake is frozen over, a thin layer of ice reflecting the rays of sunlight. The trees are dusted simply with white and the rocks resemble marshmallows from the recent snow fall.

It's so serene here, it's no wonder Magnus loves this place so much. Letting myself hurt, I sink into the snow next to the lake, leaning heavily on a rock and watching the small animals of the forest around me, listening to the quiet and absorbing everything. All of it reminds me of him.

The promises we made here were so easily broken that I feel stupid for believing them at all, thinking we could overcome the odds and be stronger than our own faults. In the end, we weren't enough.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, letting the cold seep through me and letting my heart ache violently, but the sun falls beneath the tree line and soon enough I'm a shaking mess.

Maybe, subconsciously, I was hoping he'd show. Stupidly, foolishly, I had let myself think he might know me well enough to know I'd come here. Or maybe my true fault was thinking he'd want to at all.

I drag my feet back down the path, ignoring the way the cold makes me ache to my bones, shivering slightly as I walk.

I sink into my seat in my car and turn it on, letting the heat envelope me completely and sighing to myself.

There's several months left of this and already I can't handle it. I've never been one to give up, but now, I don't think I can fight anymore. I pick up my phone and call Magnus' mother. She answers on the third ring, and feeling my heart sink, I quit my job at 'Bloom' before hanging up and making my way home.

I feel hollow in a way that's unfamiliar. Even before I met him and became a better version of myself, I never felt so alone. Though I was a slave to my mother's every demand, at least I knew in a way who I was. I blame Magnus for changing me so wonderfully, flipping my life around and making me see the beauty in this world before making it all so horrible.

I mostly blame myself, but part of me just wishes I could hate him. Wishes I could yell and scream for hours and tell him how much this hurts, but even then, I'd feel bad. Because as much as I hate Magnus Bane, I love him a million times more.