Bloom (Malec)

We Bloom

Time moves dramatically slow when you're alone. I know this because time has been seeming to stand still since Magnus broke up with me. Days feel like weeks and in them, I'm lonely and defeated. Jace and Izzy have taken to distancing themselves from me and I can't blame them, not when I'm desperately trying to run away from myself as well.

As I walk down the hall after the final bell on a Friday that feels like a Monday in every sense, I notice the icy blue posters cluttering the walls, advertising the Winter Formal coming up next week.

Around here, the two biggest events for seniors are the Winter Formal and Prom. The former of the two involves elegant clothing, sweet couples, brilliant icy decorations and a long night of celebration. I wonder idly if Magnus and I would've gone together. I feel the tightness in my chest at the thought and banish it away, focusing on my steps as I make my way into the parking lot.

His eyes meet mine across the lot and if it's at all possible, time completely stops.

Avoidance is too mild of a word for the situation we've found ourselves in. It's as if we're not even in the same universe, the way we repel each other. But in this moment I can remember drowning in his kisses, curled up beneath a blue duvet that I've long since packed away, or by his favourite lake, watching the clouds drift by on one of the hot summer days we shared.

Or sharing coffee during the early mornings at 'Bloom', the first place I've ever truly belonged. I remember it all so clearly when he looks at me, all of my favourite memories that I've tried so hard to bury. They attack with a vengeance, almost so suddenly my head aches but it's welcome in this moment.

All too soon, he blinks and looks away as he follows his friend Ragnor to his car. Time begins to move again, though still too slow, and I'm alone again. The pain and panic set in as I all but launch myself into my car, burying my face in my hands and trying to push the aching in my torso away so I can breathe again.

By the time it subsides, the parking lot is empty and the place he stood is desolate. The entire school grounds are empty and so am I. I find myself wondering if the pinched, heartbreaking ache was better than this numbness. I find myself wondering when my options became so dull.

The drive home is long and I skip dinner again, curling up beneath a black blanket that encompasses all I could ever be. I let the darkness engulf me.

I dream of free-falling. I dream of Magnus and I, clad in ugly jumpsuits and harnesses under the boiling summer sun. I dream of being reckless, of wanting to live for the first time in my life, of feeling breath in my lungs that was truly my own. I dream of defiance and brilliance and skylines and mountains and hot air and falling. I dream of falling so often now that it's a wonder I have yet to hit the ground.

The weekend passes in a lull. My mother peeks her head in my room 5 times during the two days. She doesn't ask how I am, because, in her eyes, she's finally won. Her gay son has learned his lesson, and though he's broken, he's no longer a mistake, and for her, that's enough. The thought makes me sick, but it's all I can think about each time her gaze falls on me.

I don't think she'll ever realize how big of a failure I really am. How much I've truly messed up this time. It's barely been 2 weeks since Magnus decided I wasn't enough, and in that time, I've fathomed all the reasons he could've ever needed to walk away. I've made him faultless because that's what love does to you. It's a sick, cruel, twisted game and I realize that I don't want to play anymore, not if the outcome is this.

I've come to realize that Magnus is a garden, and all I will ever be is a flower. Unable to grow, unable to be loved by such a forest, unable to bloom.

*

"Come on, Alec. You're going." Izzy states, all but dragging me out of bed. I want to yell, scream, break down and cry, but I can't. Nothing can help. So I let her pull me off my bed and toward my closet.