The Weight of my Guillotine

the ocean owns a part of me

As long as the ocean has been, or will ever be, it will consume me.

Because the water remains the same even if the tides have changed.

And when I was four I caught my first fish.

I slipped on the rocky riverbank and skinned my knees so Mum told me it was the biggest fish she had ever seen.

Later a fish took the rod that my grandfather bought me.

I decided that big fish were not worth the sting when I didn't have the dexterity.

When I was ten I ran the length of the longest wooden jetty in the southern hemisphere twelve times in an hour

Because I had finally found something that could drive me.

And a month later when I was running that 11 kilometre charity marathon I watched the ocean to my right

And flourished in the instants it brought back to me.

I did not run that jetty because I wanted to raise money.

I was still a year too young when I reached my first experience of maturity

But so were you

And we swam in the salt lake until I kissed you

Because you were too nervous to kiss me

And you smelled like Lynx and something sweet like you always do.

It may possibly have been the chocolate you gave me

Or your personality leaking through the cracks in the concrete.

But then I sat under a bridge that lead to nowhere and added to the salt lake

Crying over another fish that was too big

Until the water swirled around my chest corroding the rocks along with me

But when I was 15 we went out to the jetty where the sea kept my realization

And we brought a fishing rod for my little brother like the one my grandfather bought me

But not one of us knew how to fish.

So we tied hooks to the lines and we hoped for the best even when our best didn't catch anything

And I told my brother about the big fish

He said he wanted to be just like me

And although there were no fish that day the ocean took our hooks the same way it took our memories

And now I know that these are the ones that shaped me because my hindsight is 20/20.

One of these days my actuality will disintegrate but the ocean will still have those small parts of me

And who knows where they will be.