Moon Willows Tantrums

This is what happens

I care. I care way too much. I've always cared. And this bullshit that we go through, the not-getting-to-close or the wouldn't-want-feelings-to-get-caught is stupid because whatever we like to say, to think, we know that half is too late. God I walk around barely breathing, keeping my head up because I'm so afraid someone will know it's down. But when we talk, that all goes away. I breath and that is priceless. And it's scary. Because all these moments come about. Where I could just say it. Say how I feel but I can't. With you I can't. And that sucks because you deserve it. Everyone deserves it. But I can't do it and I hate it. My writers block is not just a writers block. It's a human block. I am so nervous around you because you release this human block and make me feel human. I have never felt that way and it scares me. I don't want to show you me because I am the epitome of the freak show that people run from. I will never be loved for who I am because I can't let anyone see it and therefore will never be loved for me. I can't even be me with me. I fight it so many times. At the end of the day the war that rages on can't end and it hurts so bad. God it burns but what hurts is that no one will know. I die everyday, a little more and no one will ever know. I just don't know if it's good that they don't even ask. To literally listen to you and feel my heart ache while my brain is telling me how stupid I am really fucking hurts. But it's not your fault. It's mine.  Because if I could do it all over again, I would. Because I can't let go of you. I was heartless before I meet you. Cold and ridiculously heartless. And now I can't imagine a life without you. And when I do its when I wake up from a nightmare. Cold sweats and this horrid pain in my chest. It's the pain that if translated would say, “The worse part, is he could give a damn”. You will sleep as soundly as a broken boy can while will lie awaking crying because I can't sleep. Crying because this stupid girl wrote off love and is awake in a dark room over a boy who can't see 4 feet in front of him as she  gazes longingly into another dimension that would have been their happily ever after. We will never be together. We will never be together. We will never be together. We will never be together. Yet I still see us. And I don't know if it's because I'm naiive, stubborn, lonely, helpless, or stupid. When we are together I don't need drugs. I'm thousand feet high and my heart is higher. But you are just as happy to see me. You have told me all but I love you yet you are still killing me. I want to be able to run. Walk away. Because if you ever say I love you, I will never forgive you. Ever. Just thinking about the day when you will rip my heart out of my stomach makes me shrink even further into the words I write about you that you will never see or ever hear. I hate you so much because I have fallen so hard for you but you are afraid to be near me and you have know idea how scary it is for me. I don't have past heartaches to reflect upon. Just the one that I have been talking to daily for almost a year and a half. I have fallen for you at your worse so don't you dare show me your best. But if you knew what you should do if you truly care about me, you'd leave. And I'd hate it even more, for not only leaving, but finally doing the smart action too late. Because that's what we are; too late and not enough. Not enough for you to work for or come back to. We are just hopeless hearts just passing through except I'm the heart that didn't past the physical to be eligible to run in the first place but I did it for you. For no one else, but you. You bring out so many good qualities in me but bring me to my knees; weak. You give me so many reasons to smile while you make me hate the one person I hate most even when I thought I couldn't hate her even more than I do. I hate you because I hate me so much. But I can't help it. You make me feel so alive. You make me feel the closest I've ever been to me really being me. You make my heart beat faster than I ever thought it capable. Your smile makes me cave. You make me believe in things I lost faith in so so so long ago. Hope. Love. Future. But I hate that for the first time, I'm the one changed. Are you're the one who gets to stay this sullen boy. The one that the world, “treats so poorly”. The one who is so narrow-minded that he literally closes the entrance and exits of a tunnel and complains that he can't see. The one who is so broken but won't let anyone in to fix and then says that no one cares about him. I hate you because you play me better than I ever could. You beat me at my own fucking game. And you know what. Even after all of what I just said, I would still want a start. A beginning, a something. Even though I know it will never happen because I know I'm not worth the pain, I will set this down and dream of a future, to just wake up and learn more of this parallel universe where we are together. Eventually, when I eventually close my eyes. Yeah, you're everywhere. And I don't know of I should be happy or mad. To parade around what I can never have or understand what falling is like at least once a day