Under Water 2: The Red Harren [completed]

VI

"I do, Sans, I understand that you. . . That you love me, even though I don't know if I do, and that you stick around even though I'm a mess. But I don't know you, Sans. I don't know you anymore. I used to, I used to know that I loved you for a fact, but I don't know anymore. I think I do, but I don't know for a fact. I-I just got back from being frozen alive, I thought that I was dead. I lost everything I knew, and I don't want to get anything back until I know I want it back."

Sans was silent for what felt like years, tears welling up in his eye sockets.

"I love you, Frisk. Why don't you love me?"

"I do love you, Sans! Don't you dare think for a second that I don't! I love you every day and I miss you every day! But I don't know if this would work out. I still don't know myself, let alone you, Sans! And so you're just going to have to wait, okay?"

"I've been waiting for two years."

"I was dead for one of those."

"And you've been alive for one of those."

"I'm still learning how to live."

"Are you still learning how to love?"

"I'm learning who to love."

"Why do you trust him and not me?"

I frowned and twisted my arm out of his grasp, scowling as I said, "He doesn't pretend that things are okay. He didn't force me back into his life, he let me come to him. You all act like I'm the same person, with the same knowledge, and the same feelings. But things have changed, whether you or the others want to admit that. And until you do, until you let me come back to you, I will not let myself feel guilty because you can't let go. How you're feeling, is not my problem."

He laughed sadly, the clouds above us starting to rain lightly, "You have changed. Because the Frisk I knew actually cared."

I got in his face, feeling my chest tighten with anger, "I damn care about you and everyone else. But I will not let you all believe that nothing has changed. I will not change until you all accept that things are different. Don't you dare guilt trip me for something I can't change."

He turned around, starting to walk opposite of me.

"If you come back, Sans, it better be with a different view on me. Until then, don't talk to me." I shouted, turning on my heel and rushing home, the rain now coming down violently.

I was only a block away, but the rain was not letting up. I felt as cold as an ice cube as I made it into the house, locking the door behind me. Angry tears stung my eyes and I went to the kitchen, taking out my laptop. I quickly grabbed a blanket from the living room before I turned on the laptop camera, looking into it for a few seconds.

"For those of you who are watching, be warned, that you will not understand. You will not agree nor understand. But I am here to try and teach you how to understand."

I cleared my throat before continuing, "I remember nothing. I remember what I have learned this year, and even with that, I have a hard time remembering. I will sometimes remember something, something before the incident, but it's usually things I don't want to remember, or that mean little to me. But, this is all something that most people choose to ignore. The few that have accepted the fact that I have changed, that the circumstances around me have changed, have a hard time with that fact. Knowing someone for most of their lives and then having to relearn them; how they act, how they respond to situations presented to them, how they trust the people around them, it can be hard. But it isn't any harder than having to live with that."

I looked away from the small lens for a second before getting to the point, "So, my point. Stop pretending. Stop pretending that I am the same person, with the same struggles. Because things have only gotten worse. And they will only get worse with everyone pretending and the person with the harshest reality of all of them not. I will not put on an act, at least not anymore. If you are not going to accept the point that I have changed, that other people will and have changed, then you are not only going to give yourself a hard time but everyone around you. Living in a world where things are ever changing is hard. I understand that. But pretending does not make it any easier."

I turned off the webcam and waited for the video to upload to my vlog. I felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted. And I would await tomorrow with a strange anxiety and a strange ease.

For tomorrow would be different, even if people weren't.