Lightsaber // chanbaek

。10

'폭력은 친근할 수 있다.'

'Violence can be intimate.'

。Despair 。

Chanyeol

I feel disgusting. I feel worthless. I wish I could just scrub away the dirt from my body. From inside me. I need something to erase the pain. I hate myself. Why did I let him do that? And worst of all, a part of me, a sickening part, enjoyed it. I never even tried to stop him. Sure, I pushed him a few times but it did nothing. He's so much stronger than me. And it's scary. He did that. He can do whatever he wants. I let him touch me. I watched his sharp glare. Felt his cold touch everywhere. It was so wrong.

I feel disgusted. I just want to rid my insides and be done with life. I just want to see the light in the darkness, telling me my time is up. I'm never escaping. I'm never going to reach the comfort of my old home. A motherly touch for whenever I'm sad. A fatherly touch for whenever I need advice. My friends are god knows where. Wait- Kyungsoo. I know his room.

I make a run for it, standing up my sore body, wincing as I remember last nights violent events. I was so helpless. It was like his hands were chains. I rly my best to rid the images and the feelings, all though just thinking of them takes me back. I feel the lingering tingles and touches, and I want to gag.

The hallways are empty, and thankfully I don't have to worry about sneaking about since the floors are so quiet. I feel my heart racing, praying that every time I turn a corner, it'll be empty. I never knew a being like him, could frighten me so much. He's like the devil. He's alluring and yet when I get too close, I find myself wanting out, even though I know it's too late.

Luckily, I manage to arrive without trouble and stick my ear to the door to make sure the crazy man's not inside, torturing him. I know that if he is, he'll tell Baekhyun, and I'll be punished again. He genuinely puzzles me. One minute he wants to earn my trust and the next he's attacking me with his monster saber. Then he's pinning me to a bed and calling me baby boy. He's not doing a very good job of trying to get me to join his 'alliance'.

After a complete silence, an eerily guilty feeling growing in my stomach, I knock softly on the door, hoping for an answer. After a few seconds, the door handle squeaks and opens ever so slowly, as if he's afraid of who might be around the corner. And when the door opens, my abnormally fast heartbeat almost stops as I see the mess Kyungsoo's become.

He's a broken boy. He used to have a good, healthy amount of meat on him and a full face with adorable, freckled cheeks. His tanned skin always suited him and his eyes were always large and aware. He looks dreadful. He's practically skin and bone and his face is sunken with prominent cheekbones and eye bags. His skin is much paler and his freckles have faded. His eyes are still wide, but shaky and watery. He's had it much worse than me. And yet here I am, complaining. I hate myself even more.

"Ch-Chan. That's you isn't it? I'm not dreaming am I?" He whispers, knowing well enough that someone could be listening.

"Kyungsoo, I don't mean to be rude, but you look terrible."

He chuckles, but it's a breathless noise, raspy and almost forced. He opens the door further, signalling it's okay for me to enter. Once I do, a stench of sweat and sex fills the room and I know precisely what's been going down. His room is suspiciously clean as always. He's always been a clean freak, even in the worst situation he carries a duster with him.

"Oh Chan. You've always been blunt." He says, and I want to hug him the minute I hers how broken his voice sounds. He's lost it, croaky and monotone.

"What's happened Soo?" I ask, sitting next to him on the bed. The room is identical to mine, everything either white, black or red.

I hear him click his knuckles, the once soft skin scratched and bloodied. It's then that I notice the small dents on the bed frame. I don't blame him. The room feels like a cage. And a cage isn't the best place to be when you're angry.
I try and keep my eyes on him, but end up looking away, realising how easily this could have all been avoided. We all made a stupid mistake. And now our lives are ruined. Well, we don't have lives anymore.

Once I hear small sniffles and a few whimpers, I grab him in a tight, bear hug, feeling the smaller male shake. He's always been so composed, organised and straight-forward. I've never seen him so crushed. He's always first to make decisions and doesn't speak unless he's in charge. His stubbornness is usually a funny topic of conversation. But when I see the tears spill from his eyes and onto his nervous, beaten hands, I myself want to cry. But I hold it in. For him. Because there will always be a glimmer of hope, if the last person is still smiling.

"H-he's a monster, Chan. His eyes, their so demanding. I can always feel him undressing me with them. It's like he's drunk 24/7. He's not sane. He's not safe. He starts of by distracting me. H-he pulls me onto h-his lap and whispers things like 'you're b-beautiful' and then h-he completely d-destroys me. I-If I don't listen h-h-he beats me and i-it hurts so much. I j-just want to leave. He's so big but I hate myself for always doing as he s-says. He tricks me. And I always f-f-fall for it."

I run his back in circles and listen to his words. He's like Baekhyun, but worse. He uses Kyungsoo. Encourages him. I've seen Kyungsoo at his worst, and he'll believe anything. Hell do anything to get out of his state. But he ends up getting hurt even more. That was once. He's strong. In fact, he has some kind of steel barrier. But when it breaks, everything around him breaks. Everyone breaks. I hate seeing him like this. But it's all I can do.

"What's his name?" I ask, hoping that somehow, if I work up even a few seconds of courage, I can get Baekhyun to do something. He seems like the leader around here, if I do something for him, he'll have to return the favour. I'd do anything for Kyungsoo, Lay and Suho. I mean it. I'd join his side just to make sure they get home safely. That's all I want. And I realise that now. I've been dreaming for myself, when all I needed to do was dream of others to become my own hero. And I've succeeded.

"K-Kai. But, his real name is Jongin. S-s-sometimes he can be nice. He teaches me new stuff and even gave me a temporary saber to use when we trained. But that didn't last, and now he's the same monster h-he was the night I first met him."

As I'm about to reply, I see a strange shadow on the crystal clear floors and instantly know I'm in trouble. Kyungsoo's shivering stops and I realise he's noticed too. When I finally look up, it's them. Kai and Baekhyun. And someone else. Sehun. The one with B1-76. If B1-76 is still alive.

"Hmm, Chanyeol. You're in a lot of trouble."

'날 괴물이라고 불러도 돼.'

'You can call me monster.'