Lightsaber // chanbaek

。15

'고문은 모든 것을 드러낸다.'

'Torture reveals all.'

。Maniac 。

⚠️WARNING! SELF HARM. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED.⚠️

I have no hope now. No one was as kind as Irene. Everything has literally fallen. Baekhyun even went as far as to kill Sehun. His ally, his colleague. All because he wanted to protect Irene. Does he hate love that much? What is his problem. I've been dreading the next few events, wanting to know what happens. People are going to turn against him. His own people. He's probably got so many enemies.

I hate myself. So much. For thinking that he deserves better. He doesn't he deserves nothing but cold, hard death. He's killed my friends, his own friends. He'll stop at nothing and it's my fault. If I had just listened to his orders and obeyed him, all of these people wouldn't be dead because of me. I've never doubted myself more.

I crawl into the bathroom, trying not to gain the attention of Baekhyun who is sitting on my bed with his hands in his head. Even he regrets killing Sehun. He's reminiscing. And he isn't paying any attention to me. Which is why I take the opportunity to lock myself inside the bathroom, still no audible sound coming from Baekhyun. It's almost scary how still he can become, and yet how quick he can be.

I fumble around for something sharp, anything sharp. With trembling fingers, I find a first aid kit in the top cupboard. For s moment I scoff, wondering why on earth this would be in a prisoner's bathroom. Did he intend on me finding it or is it just in this room for decoration? Either way it would have been much more handy had I found it a few weeks ago. I've lost all concept of time. It could only be days. Maybe months. I haven't seen daylight in what feels like years.

I fiddle around in the black case in until I come across an empty syringe. I struggle quickly as I hear shuffling from outside the door, my heart pounding as footsteps are heard outside the door. Maybe he's leaving? Why would he try and stop me? He doesn't feel. . .

Looking at my limp, pale arm I long to see the blood pour from my worthless skin. I hate how clean it is. It just shows how little effort I put into things. I don't have scars, I'm not brave. Luke sky walker lost an arm and still lived to old age. Here I am wanting to kill myself when I haven't even been touched. I'm so weak! I hate myself! It's Kyungsoo who should be upset. He gets touched every night. I've had it easy and still I'm crying and wailing like some kind of baby. I don't deserve this treatment.

"Chanyeol."

His voice, stern and broken at the same time. Literally, it cracks right as he finishes my name. I'm not going to be fooled by his pitiless acts. He's only trying to lure me outside so he can hurt me. He put on a sorry act so that I could doubt my feelings. And he's succeeded. He's hurt me. He's touched me where I'm most vulnerable, he isn't going to change after an hour. After s murder of his best friend. I know his past, and who can't help but feel bad? But I'm not giving him the sympathy he wants. I can't.

When the syringe is directly at my wrist, tears start to fall. I sniffle and snort, but cuss at myself for being so weak. It's only a little pain, it won't do anything. Just accept it, it'll be over soon. I keep telling myself over and over again that my friends are dead, and they've been through far worse.

When I make the first cut, it's ragged and isn't at all straight. I'm gripping the syringe so hard it almost smashes and my hands are shaking too much to keep it in control. I let out a shameful squeal as the pain burns deeper and deeper, the blood staining my hands and the white tiles.

"Baby boy, sto-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

I make another three cuts, smiling sickly at myself as the fear deepens and I only become more anxious. I wish I could forget all about this. I wish I was back in my hometown, walking to school with Suho, Lay and Kyungsoo. I wish B1-76 was still there, circling our feet happily as we entered the school building.

A huge crash sounds and I immediately look over to see a burn mark through the door. The wood splinters and falls in pieces around me, some catching fire as another hole pierces through the thick door. And in seconds it's carried off of its hinges, attached to that dreaded lightsaber. The one that shouldn't exist. It's deadly. It's not real. It's too good to be true. No company would make one that dangerous. Unless he got it from some kind of dark market.

"Never order me around baby boy. Never." His voice sounds, and a Cheshire grin forces its way onto his lips as he throws the lightsaber to the floor, rolling the sleeves of his black shirt up to reveal his hard, veiny arms. He picks me up, not caring about the blood on his hands. I'm so immobile and unresponsive that it don't protest, feeling disgust and shame as I snuggle into his surprisingly warm chest. I want to die. Why am I leaning into his touch. The very touch that ended my friend's lives and permanently damaged mine.

"As much as I like you being scared of me, we need to get you cleaned up." He says in a way that my mother would say. She would always say that phrase if I fell or if I was hurt. And at that moment more greasy tears stain my cheeks falling onto the sheets as he places me on the bed like some kind of doll.

"Put your arm up." He says, and I obey him. I can't do anything else. I will not let him harm Kyungsoo. In fact, I won't let him hurt his own friends. As much as I despise them, it's my fault. And no one can say it isn't because if none of this had ever happened, Sehun and Irene would be able to see each other everyday, as normal. But they're both dead.

"Sehun and Irene believed in the foolish illusion called love. Don't tell me you believe in it too?" He says as he walks over with cream and bandages. He rubs a little alcohol on my cuts, making them bubble. I wince, trying to hide my scream as I look over at his smiling frame. Does he still find these kind of things pleasurable?

"As a matter of fact, I do." I say as he wraps the bandage tightly over my forearm. I lift up my other arm to compare the difference between our own arms. His is muscular, and veiny. A scar on his hand. He's used it in many battles. Then I look at mine. Pale, veinless, scarless, weak, not at all strong. Useless.

"Why are you doubting your tiny arms, baby boy? You mustn't do that, if you are to join the dark side." He looks at me seriously but I can only give him a deadpanned look. What is he trying to say? He honestly thinks that I would join the very thing that's killed millions of people over the galaxy? The very thing that turned it into a war-zone?

"I will never join the dark side."

"Ah, that's what I said baby boy. And look at me now, it will take time, but I'll make it happen."

'나한테 뭘 보여 주는 거야?'

'What do you see in me?'