Driving Me Batty

Chapter 1: The Karma Sutra's Inspiration

When I first started writing this I had no intention of posting it. It was just an idea I had to write otherwise it would haunt me. Then the Watty Awards came and I debated entering it or not and I decided not to. But here I am posting it because I really am curious to know what people (other than my braintwin) think about it. 

SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me your honest opinion. 

Oh and I need Serious help with the title so any suggestions?

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.  

- George Carlin

In most vamp novels, the oh-so-damsel-in-distress is always shocked to find her one and true love - with whom she had this inexplicable connection - is a vampire. A vampire who self-sacrifices and suffers pure agony denying himself (or herself - we're all for sexual liberation, unless of course bondage is present) the heroine's blood which is unusually appealing to him (or her). The discovery of the nature of their true love's true nature usually provokes the following reaction; shock, denial, more denial, realization of the truth, more shock, declaration of love no matter what, the request for immortality. Fabulous, what's more romantic than declaring your need to suck dry the arteries of some mortal as hors d'oeuvres? 

On the flip side, you have the huntress, trying to prove she is a badass by taking the out the suave, wealthy vampire who she falls for against her better judgement - the heroine who denies her love for this perfect specimen of forbidden fruit until the last moment (or at least until he beds her and sates her overpowering lust). 

When he told me he was a vampire, I didn't dispute the existence of such creatures nor did I whip out my wooden stake and attempt to plunge it through his heart. Instead, I rolled my eyes and stabbed my steak viciously with my fork and changed the channel. Kai was once again trying to get me to out on a date with him. Luckily, he wasn't doing it with my parents around this time. They really wanted me to date him. Last time he asked me out it didn't end well for me. In fact, it got me grounded. A little bit of tapenade on the ceiling, an olive fork through the old ghoul-of-a-Grandma's good eye and dejected Kai covered in a mixture of cake batter, chocolate mousse and a few orange peels and suddenly. no going out, no tv, no phone for two weeks. Of course, getting on the back of some guy's Kawasaki after brutally rejecting my parents' golden boy might have also played a part. 

"Look here Kai-" 

"Your parents love me, you're used to being around vampires, you know a vampire would be the perfect-" 

"You're a really nice guy but-" 

"Boyfriend for you and I would be the perfect guy to fill that role, we've known each other for-" 

"I like you as a friend-" 

"A really long time and I really-" 

"But I don't want to date you." 

"Like you. A lot." 

Just as I sighed, the phone rang. He really wasn't getting it. 

"Honey, just go out with him. He is such a nice vamp boy and he won't break your heart like that Jason did." 

"What the HELL mom? Do you have my freaking dorm room tapped?" 

"You know we wouldn't do that to you." 

"No we wouldn't," my Dad chirped in, obviously using the other extension. 

"We just knew he was going to ask so we thought we would help him get the date he so desperately wants. He likes you so -" I hung up, tears of frustration threatening to make an appearance. Kai was looking up at me with puppy dog eyes as I placed the receiver down on the counter. He just wasn't getting it. 

He opened his mouth to say something but before he could start his plea again, I cut him off. 

"Kai, just leave. Now is not a good time. I'm sorry you drove all this way but please just go. Please." I gave him a look that said 'even though I'm saying please, this isn't a request'. He got that message. If only he was so receptive about the emphatic 'no' I had given him when it came to "taking our relationship to the next level". 

He walked to the door and turned to face me one last time. 

"I'll call you." He leaned in to kiss me good bye and I subtly turned my head so his lips brushed my cheek. 

"I really wished you wouldn't," I whispered to the empty room after closing the door behind him.

My parents never understood my attraction (or rather lack thereof) to Kai. He was cute in the bumbling, enduring sort of way that had many girls (and a noticeable amount of guys) flocking towards him in vain hope he would bashfully flutter his eyelashes in their direction. That coupled with dimples and his southern manners made him the catch of a few centuries. Which was one of the qualms I had about dating him. He had been around for enough centuries for my previous statement to apply. My parents didn't get that I saw the age difference as slightly pedophiliac. They themselves had quite a significant age difference and they were happily married, as they liked to point out. It was the one argument I had given up simply because I could not win it. 

It wasn't just the age thing, though. He annoyed me. And not in that cute "he annoys me but I fall for him somewhere down the line" kind of way, either that seems to be the plot of so many novels these days. I knew I wouldn't find out I liked him if I just gave him a chance like my mother kept saying, nor would I ever see his persistence as romantic rather than irritating as my father suggested.  

It wasn't like I hadn't tried seeing him in a different light. The first time his advances were noticed (and encouraged) by my parents, I tried to picture us as, well, an 'us'. My imagination ended with a bloody stake in my hand as I laughed manically while men in white uniforms chased me. In many ways, he was like an annoying cousin - I just was so not going to kiss him.

My grandmother, at least, was on my side but her reasoning differed to mine (although she had a good point). As she had so suavely pointed out, he didn't look like he would be all that fun in the sack. She had nonchalantly told my parents that he was the reason someone decided the Karma sutra needed to be written because all he had learnt was missionary and he still couldn't get that one right.  

This disagreement between my parents and I caused a small amount of friction between us every time he called. I had thought leaving for college would resolve the problem since they wouldn't know. Boy was I wrong. Besides phoning them every time he planned something to ask permission, he had also taken to phoning to ask advice.