Given Hope

poison

My poison

My poison that slowly grew and manifested into the thing it is today

My poison is the past.
See
My issue is that I'm trapped in the past

I think of who I used to be and how it felt meeting somebody like Carlos

I think of when I was a kid, playing in the sprinklers outside on a summer day

I think of all the yelling, constantly yelling
I don't think my parents were meant for each other

And my mom has gotten the worst side of it
She had to discover herself as an independent women
She had to get past the abuse, and maltreatment she endured from my dad

And I had to help her there
I had all her information memorized to help her
I helped her study for her citizenship test for countless nights in a row
I had to hold her as she cried

My family was never perfect
My mom and dad couldn't stand each other
My oldest brother was abused when he was really young by my father
And even though he doesn't admit it, I know it still affects him today
He's in debt
He has a warrant for his arrest
He's a high school dropout

Now my other brother, also older than me, is also a high school dropout
He messed up a lot
He has ADHD so growing up we had problems trying to figure him out when he would have outbursts
He's hit my mom
He's a stoner
And he doesn't have a job

Then there's me,
The stupid girl who never has friends who stick around
I attempted suicide because I did not see another point
And while I hate to admit this
I still think that it's a viable solution

I'm a teen mom
with twins
I didn't earn any extra credits my freshman year because I was too stuck on getting high and chasing after a guy who never really wanted me

I was that suicidal girl who would cut her arms and legs like it was a drug
Self harm used to be my poison

I was so stuck on things that I couldn't give up

I was jumping from guy to guy

And I don't have any friends
It's rough

Of course I have my boyfriend but sometimes you just need somebody from the outside world to help you through everything

I used to have that with multiple people

But now I have nobody

The past hurts me every chance it gets

And I'm still so stuck

I look up and see my life and wonder where all my time went buy

I have the mentality of a 30 year old
I was forced to grow up at an early age

But my poison is always around the corner