Seeing For Real ****Completed****

I Dont Wanna Be Alive

   
. Watch the video at the end of the chapter 💖
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   I wake to music playing in our room, its soft and beautiful... The lyrics fit me so well and instart to feel sad but happy at the same time. I look at Alex's phone to see what it is... Nutshell by Alice in chains... That voice is so soothing. I start to think how i was going to fight this battle alone and probably would have died. Im greatful but fearful of what this out come could possibly be, my heart starts to feel heavy with woe.
   "Well hello there beautiful."
    "Hey."
  "Whats wrong?"
     "That song.... Its how i have felt for so long."
  "Well not anymore right?"
   I stay silent not knowing what to say,
   "I-im scared and happy allbat the same time. I nevee thought this would be my life. I had dreams, so many dreams and i was on my way to make those dreams reality but, ugh i should have never snook out that night. If i would have just stayed home, none of my friends or family would have died. I was a stupid child, life is so precious to me now and to know these people could die fighting aside me just kills me."
   "We dont have to have everyone fight baby, we could only have the strong fight."
  "Some of the strong ones have families, kids and wife's. How could i let that happen?"
     "You arent Drake is and he wants to help us."
   "I dont know if i can do this!"
  I get up and get in the shower, i close my eyes and feel his arms wrap around me pulling amd holding me close to him. I stand there crying silently.
   "Have you slept Alex?"
   "No babe."
     "Please sleep."
   "Will that make you happy?"
  I nod and he kisses my shoulder and gets out, i stay there a while then get out getting dressed quietly then go outside for a cigarett. Leaning against a tree i try to relax.
   "You know him and i were great before you came a long."
   "What?"
  I look up seeing the girl that kissed his cheek. Rolling my eyes,
  "What are you talking about?"
   "Me and Alex, we were kind of dating, you know... Hooking up and what not."
   "Dont care honestly, im not the jealous type."
   "Well this should bother you and its the complete truth."
   "And whats that?"
    "Drake... He's not doing this to help you, he's trying to find out everything he can about you so he can kill you during your whole war. He hates you and he hates Alex because he wanted you for himself and you and Alex well unfortunately for me yall are mates so he cam never have you. And Alex isnt as good of a guy as you may think, he hated vampires, before he met you he took a vow to kill all vampires. So since you are what you are....."
  She walks back and forth her fingers on her chin looking like a crazy bitch.
   "And he didnt kill you once he found out he's in serious danger here, Drake plans to kill him as well.... While you watch. Just so you can relive what you already made happen with your friends and family before."
   Tears prick my eyes, i take a puff from my cig.
  "You just love to fuck up peoples happiness. You kill everything around you."
  "Yeah i do."
  I grab her by the neck slamming her against the tree i was leaning me on,
  "Your around me so i guess ill just fucking kill you right here and now. No one wants you so whats the point of living?"
   She laughs
    "Because im having Alex's baby."
      "Even more reason to kill you."
   "He woukd never forgive you."
   "I can live with that."
    My teeth on her neck i chomp down and she screams loudly so i cover her mouth and rip a chunck of her neck off. Her blood tastes sweet i smile feeling a high, who knew this blood would be so amazing.
      "What the fuck did you do?!"
   I look back and see Alex.
   "Killed your whore."
He runs to her crying picking her up in his arms sobbing.
  "Why?"
  "She was holding your bastard child, she also confessed that your bestfriend plans to kill us both and make us watch! God i was so ignorant!!! Who would have ever thought me Avena could have friends as a vampire?! Everyone fucking hates me! I hate myself!!!"
   "That was going to be my first child and you killed the baby, how could you be so heartless?"
   "Because im a MONSTER ALEX!!!! Im a fuck up im EVIL and all i do is hurt everyone around me!!!"
   "I can see why you hate yourself."
   I run to the room and pack my shit quickly and run off. I can hear Alex's voice screaming my name, i rip tears away from my face.
   "Kane, im done. I give up!"
   I jump as he taps my shoulder.
  "What happened? Found out they were against you?"
   "Just shut the fuck up and do your worst Kane i dont fucking care."
   "As your wish."
   "Avena!!!! Dont leave me!!!!"
   Alex comes threw the bushes pulling me into a hug, i push him off.
   "I love you Alex i really do but, im no good for you! Im fucked up im stupid and i dont deserve someone so amazing."
   "Yes you do! I can help you love yourself! We can leave together forget everyone and just live life just us."
   "No Alex, ill bring back your whore to life so yall can be happy."
   "I never wanted her i just wanted the child...."
   "Alex just forget me."
   "How could i ever forget my mate?"
  My heart breaks hearing his voice crack. A pain runs down my neck and i scream out loudly. Kane stabbs me with a silver stake right in my neck. I fall to the ground... Everything starts to go fuzzy as i see Alex and Kane starting to battle it out. The darkness takes me in fast and i cant stay awake, slipping slowly i feel my heart starting to slow down.
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    I should have told her everything, maybe my baby wouldnt have died maybe there wasn't a baby the whole time. Avena will never trust me again and i might not forgive her for killing my child. The battle between Kane and i is over, i killed him and burned his body. Now i lay in bed next to Avena, her body cold and lifeless in this hotel room. I can never go back home now, its crazy how oir beautiful night didnt last the next night. I wanted to do something special for her but, she honestly did ruin it. These impulse actions she has could have very well been the death of both of us. I know Drake is on the hunt for us and i had to sever the ties that bonded me to the pack. My heart feels heavy and i just want to be alone..... For the first time i want to be alone but, i cant leave her she's my mate. My love for here is too strong. I lay in the next to her slowly falling asleep so deep in my thoughts.....
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Avena pov.
  I wake up its night time my neck sore and Alex next to me in a room i dont recognize. Looking around then looking in the drawer dresser next to to me seeing the bible in there i realize its a motel room we are in. I close my eyes then remeber what i had done. I hate myslef so much, tears fall down my face and i see myslef killing his girlfriend and his so called unborned child. Ugh im such a monster! Why would or how could he ever love me?! I look at him tears still on his face as if he just fell asleep, he doesnt need this he deserves tp be happy.... Maybe i should just vanish.... I look around feeling weak and see a fridge and run too it hoping there is blood in it. I open it then tears start to fall as i see theres nothing in it. A burn in my throat starts to rise as i smell his blood mixed with human blood. I have to take care for this thirst! I leave the room scared id hurt him, a man walks by him and the burn increased. I must have is blood! The frinzie inside scurries as i follow him, my walk so quiet haunting my pray.... I push him in his room and my fangs show with all their glory and his wife i think she is cries out for help. I must shut her up right now!!!!
   "Shush right now or ill make your death painful!!!!"
   She quiets down and i sink my teeth into her husband's neck feeling my teeth go down layer after layer then finally i hit the blood. There it is the liquid gold!!!! BLOOD..... i suck and suck this neck till he is just about ready to die and release.... My thirst not fully quenched....
    "Now you my dear, im sad to say that your husband is 2 minuets from dying but you... You my dear will live BUT! By the time you wake from your comatose scare i will be gone and no one will ever find me..... Are you ready?"
   I watch as she nods slowly then climb ontop of her. Her red hair gets pushed away as i move it reveling her pale neck. I smile and bite her neck and suck the blood till she passes out. My fangs retract and i look at her husbands deaded body and feel more like a monster..... I go and look at myself in their bathroom and see a scar where Kane staked me with his stainless steel stake then, look on the other side and see Alex's mark... Ill forever hold these marks as self evidence that i am a monster and that i am no longer trust worthy... I put on the womans clothes and close the door then go back to my room and give sleeping Alex one last kiss then leave with tears falling down my face.... He deserves so much better than me... So much... His eys flutter open.
   "Hey baby are you okay?"
"Yeah babe im fine i umm im just going to go for a walk....."
    "Theres blood all over you.... Did you feed?"
   I nod with tears in my eyes.
   "Dont worry im leaving im a monster and you definitely deserve better than me. Dont try to stop me please..."
   He shakes his head.
   "I left everything for you and now you want to leave?"
   "Its not that i dont want to but i know you would be better off with out me. Look what ive done Alex."
   "If you leave ill be alone... No one will be there for me. The pack wanta me dead ive severed all ties with them for YOU! You are not leaving i love you Avena i love you more than anything in this world and even though you have hurt me i still need you. I still want you. You are mine babe so please just stay dont leave...."
   "Life is hard amd im tired of living."
   "If you die i die."
  He stands up and hugs me tight... It feels like if he were ro let go id fall apart like shattared glass. He's the glue that hold me in one piece.... He lets go and pulls me to the shower. I watch as the blood turns the water red.... Innocent lives lost because im this horrible thing...
   "You are perfect Avena you just have impulse issue's that we need to try and fix... This doesnt make you a bad person... A bad person doesnt have guilt or remorse and you do. Look at yourself you are beating yourself up so much making yourself sick."
   "I just hate that i hurt people so much."
   "I know babe."
  We get out and lay in bed, his arms wrapped around me making me feel loved. Alex kisses my neck making me feel alive.
    "Im sorry Alex. Im sorry i killed your unborn child..."
  "Its okay.... Youll just have to give me one. Or 3."
   "3?! You are insane."
   "I really am sorry though."
   "We dont even know if she really was pregnant."
  "I dont think she was. We can sense when theres another life in someone and i didnt feel any."
   "I hope your right."
  "Me to."
  He kisses my shoulder,
     "Lets not talk.... Lets just lay here for a bit. We have to leave in a bit. The pack is hunting for us."
  I nod my head.
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   We leave after a few minuets of cuddling, the sky still dark and the moon is out. I watch and count the yellow lines that divide the road into two..... One... Two.... Three.... Fuck i haye myself so much.... Music starts playing a new song ive never heard the lyrics captivate me so much...
    "I've been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I'm out of my mind
It feel like my life ain't mine
Who can relate?
I've been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I'm out of my mind
It feel like my life ain't mine"
   I do i really do feel out of my mind and i just cant fucking take it! What the hell am i going to do.... I....
  
 "don't wanna be alive
I don't wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don't wanna be alive
I don't wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why"
I stop thinking and listen as if this is my anthem...

"All this other shit I'm talkin' 'bout they think they know it
I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic
And my life don't even matter
I know it I know it I know I'm hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain't nobody callin' my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine"
   Fuck man....
   "I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don't gotta die today
You don't gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don't gotta die
Now lemme tell you why"
   Tears start to prick my eyes and i fell so helpless.... A girl starts to sing
   "It's the very first breath
When your head's been drowning underwater
And it's the lightness in the air
When you're there
Chest to chest with a lover
It's holding on, though the road's long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you'll thank God you did"
Then a guy...
 
"I know where you been, where you are, where you goin'
I know you're the reason I believe in life
What's the day without a little night?
I'm just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now"
  A smile breaks though as every lyric hits my soul
...."I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don't wanna die today
I don't wanna die
I finally wanna be alive
I finally wanna be alive
I don't wanna die
I don't wanna die"
   Alex sings the end of the song to my grabbing my hand and holding it to his heart. Tears fall down his face as he sings it with so much meaning and i smile so crazy. My heart feels light and not heavy anymore, i can finally breath.
   "I dont wanna die anymore."
   He kisses me while at a red light and wipes my tears away.
   "I knew you woukd love this song.... Everytime you feel down and dark listend to this song and know ill be here. Ill be your light baby girl."
  "I love you Alex."
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The song is (1-800-273-8255 by Logic)
If you or someone you know are going through a tough time please do not hesitate to call this number 1-800-273-8255 or even message me. I WILL listen and i WILL be your light on the dark days.