Black & White

CHAPTER 6: the burning color

I check on Beatris again, then to the wall clock: 1:39 am, it reads.

I put my white shirt on again and buy myself a pack of Marlboro. I always smoke from time to time.

It was Samantha who taught me how. I caught her red handed. We've been dating for nine months then. She was even the one who told me cigarettes after sex is good, too. Since then, I started smoking out of habit. And now, I'm smoking because I remember her.

I tilt my head; able to hear the crashing waves of the ocean. The quiet and stillness of this night, may you remain as sanity. My lips are half apart, trying to come up with words. What do you think would have happened if she didn't die, and if she didn't killed herself at all? I keep remembering the words. Maybe if Samantha didn't die, she's still probably cheating behind my back. While I'm still the boyfriend who would do everything just to keep her around. It's either the world is really just small or it's just bullshitting me, because of all people, I am now bestfriend with the girl who is an ex girlfriend of the guy Samantha cheated me with.

I caught them making out at a party.

I think Samantha didn't know I was going to be there, too, or maybe she didn't think I'm friends enough with half the population of the people in University to be in there. They were kissing among the crowd of wasted people. Harry's hand finding it's way in Samantha's shirt. I didn't say a word after and pretended that I know of nothing the following day. Until one time wherein I caught them fucking each other inside one of the cubicles in the men's toilet room.

I listened, I stayed, and was torturing myself.

Why?

Because I love her.

I throw my first cigarette and lights up another one.

The burning color of this cigarette is just like how she ended her life. As she let others make entertainment out of her, she also slowly gets closer to her end. She's only fire red in love at first, but slowly turns into grey the longer she stays with the same person.

I throw another cigarette to the ground and lights up my fifth.

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