Wednesday Afternoon.
Believe me or not, I'm contemplating whether to rise from bed to make myself an oatmeal or to just stay in bed and eat later. Honestly, I'm too occupied inking myself that I lost track of time. By inking, I mean, drawing stuff. I stare outside my window and obviously, the white lace curtain is still there, pulled up on either side, exposing the sunlight to my bare face. I squint my eyes, trying to look directly at the sun, but I couldn't get through three seconds of that because it only hurt my eyes. Instead, I get to my feet and pull out the rectangular mirror I've been hiding in the corner of my room. I'm not a huge fan of myself, that is something I admit. I try not to look in the mirror, avoiding the person I hate the most. But right at this moment, I want to see myself smiling, so I did; I flash a smile on my face and thought: That's what you gotta show them later. I let out a deep sigh- the kind of sigh that you wish could fly you somewhere far away, anywhere but the place where you feel so suffocated and surreal. I have to meet my friends later and I should not mess this up after a year of not seeing each other.
It's already 3:17 pm when I got to Gramercy Tavern, a restaurant down 42 East 20th Street in New York. I'm basically an hour late so everyone is already digging to their plates. I made myself comfortable and breathe. "You're still no change after all, Beatris" said Alexander, smiling at me.
Alexander is two years ahead of me. And to be frank, he is actually my senior, but we've been friends since I was in Ninth grade, while he was in Eleventh grade. Currently, he's already in College while I'm in my last year of being a Senior.
"I'm really sorry. It's stuck now." I smile sheepishly, knowing he's speaking a fact. I've always been known as a late comer to every event. "You two should really date, though. I've been trying to hook Alex up with other girls but he's always cold." Faye suddenly said, somewhat frustrated, her mouth still chewing salad. Her statement is given of "thumbs up" by our other friends. Alex and I exchange glances then smiled.
I guess I can say that Alex and I are used to this kind of thing now. Our group of friends is always making us date, or at least, I can say, was trying because we never bother at all.
"You guys are mad. It's been years. Get over it. That tale is as old as time." said Alex, before sipping his wine. I don't know why but Tyler get to his feet, pointing both to me and Alex. "You guys honestly look hot together. The age gap is not that big at all." I shake my head side to side. I can't believe this. Make this end.
"Shut up now, Ty. We all know this two won't date unless they are the only people in the world." and now, it's Jeanne.
The table is in order of: Tyler, Jeanne, Faye, Ace, Alexander, me. Tyler and Jeanne are dating, so are Faye and Ace. That leaves Alexander and I, but we're not dating. We're just here to be the "wheels". A matter of fact, Alexander and I are each other's best friend.
We head out the Gramercy Tavern because it's already dark, said so by Ace. But not yet dark, for me at least, because It's only around 6:30 pm. "You're going home already?" Alex turns to me as everyone else take their leave. I shake my head side to side. "I don't want to go home yet, but I don't know where else to go."
Going home right now means nothing else but locking myself inside the dark again and feel it slowly choke me. It's not only myself I'm trying to avoid, it's also the feeling as though there is a monster inside of me: breathing and alive. Slowly intoxicating my entire being. Sometimes, I don't even want to think about it, but the more I convince myself that it's all just in my head, the more it gets worse. I don't know when this started, all I know is it has always been inside of me- waiting to be fully activated.
I must've said it out loud because Alexander suddenly cupped my face with his palms. I'm here again. "You okay?" Instead of hearing the words, I feel them. The worry in his eyes tells me so. Of all people, Alexander is the only one who knows very well, what I'm going through, and how tough it is for me. It feels good to have him around because I know that his concern is not made out of sympathy, it's a very genuine one. I nod my head as a yes because I'm too lost for words that I don't know what to say anymore. I hold both of his arms and slowly take it away from my face. "I'm fine. I just need to rest." I smile at him then raise my arm for a cab.
I turn to look at Alex. He's still there. Hands in his pocket, leaning against his car. When a cab stops in front of me, a hand from behind pulls me back, and just then Alexander said to the driver that he and I are under a misunderstanding and he is sorry for such mistake.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you but I'm seriously pissed," I said, trying not to lose my temper. I'm inside Alexander's automobile, Saturn Sky. Alexander have three cars in total: This one we are currently riding, the MX-5 Miata, and Porsche 550 Spyder, commonly known as the Little Bastard. Yup, James Dean.
"Have you been seeing a doctor?" his eyes fix on the road. I turn my head to the side. Feeling the wind blow against my skin and my hair dancing along. No. I don't want to see one. Not anymore. "We just had a session last month." I lied, and I wish he didn't know me well enough to tell that I'm lying. "Cut the bullshit, Beatris," Oh boy. I'm suddenly feeling cold. "You've lost some weight. It's obvious you're not seeing one anymore. Didn't I tell you to see one?" So weight really has something to do with my depression now? It's been years since I last had a session with my therapist. I only had one session with him, if I'm being honest. Mom told me that I'm gonna be all right, that it's all in my head, so they let it go, and so did I. I tried and tried so hard to convince my Mom that I should really see a therapist, or maybe even if I just go back taking my antidepressant again, last year, but nothing could change her mind.
They all think that I was exaggerating. I think it's true, that I was only exaggerating. But unfortunately, I wasn't.
Alexander's condominium is large, and mind you, he's in a sixth story. The city of New York is very luxurious up here; I see red lights, white lights; cars are bumper to bumper; the city is alive; I am, too.
"Don't look at it too long." he sits in his L-shaped couch as the glass coffee table clanks, putting two cups of coffee atop.
I stand there for another minute, just looking at the city. It's dark, but it's so beautiful in the eyes. It's sad to see something so beautiful but surrounded by darkness.
A voice suddenly starts talking inside of me, whispering things I don't even want to hear, or maybe want to remember. Perhaps the things I already buried ten feet below the ground ages ago: You're haunted by memories of people that no longer exist in this world. People that you've killed because they reminded you of memories.
Just then, my heart suddenly started beating fast and getting tight. My head hurts and everything around me started tilting. The last thing I remember is me; in need of air, gripping tight.
Make this stop.
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From the author:
I shall publish the next chapter if this could get 100 reads. I'm still quite busy with school and whatnot. Hope you guys liked it.
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Black & White
Ficção AdolescenteA story about a wholly demented girl and her twist and turns in life.
