There's still one night. One night that stays clear in the back of my mind. Locked up in a cage waiting to be let out. Waiting to be forgotten.
The night I went to hospital.
Who knew you could be in danger due to your own self? Who knew that by having all your friends stab you in the back, you'd wanna stab your self in the heart?
I knew.
I had my letter ready. It was sitting on my bed side table. Waiting to be heard. Waiting to be stained with tears so that the ink can run down the page. The pages would scream "NOOOOOO!"
They wouldn't be heard.
I had already sliced my skin that night. I was ready to go........
I was frightened; I didn't want to show it though gosh no, it had to be a secret.
It wasn't for much longer.
I decided if go to my mum. Tell her everything. For the first night ever tears were staining my mums pillow and not mine.
I could see it in her eyes. The way she looked at me. She loved me. It wasn't time to say goodbye yet.
She phoned the hospital. We got a taxi. I had packed clothes and held in my arms my teddy. I don't think I've ever held onto something so tight.
I remember the smell when I first walked through the doors. The smell of sweat and tears. I remember the last breeze of fresh air before I stepped into the building. It was almost as if the building spoke to me. The vibes were clear. Stay safe. Stay strong.
I remember the doctor searching my body for scars. For fresh cuts. She read the letter. I remember the look of disappointment on the doctors face.
I remember my dads face as he entered the room we were in. He was scared. I tried my hardest to cry. The tears were tired. They decided they'd sleep.
I remember the hug I got when my dad left the hospital. I remember the kiss on my cheek and the "I love you". I'd never felt so ashamed of my self.
I remember being in the children's ward. The sound of the motherless child.
I remember waking up to getting my pulse checked. Sometimes I still wake up with the pressure in my left hand's thumb. It scares me.
I remember feeling the relief of being home. The huge hug I got from my dog. I remember the look I got off my older sister. The look of happiness fill their face when they knew I was okay. It was a welcoming I'll never forget.
